3.83

Cum Laude

I worked so hard, and it wasn't enough.

I know that I suck at most things, but I thought school was different. It made me feel good.

But now, I realize that I suck at everything.

I know, cum laude isn't something to scoff at, but I feel like my identity was all wrapped up in my grades, and I failed.

I had been accidentally mixing up magna and summa, and so, I'd been talking about being summa cum laude this whole time (really meaning magna), but I'm not either. I just suck. I'm embarrassed and disappointed and feeling quite panicky. I don't deserve to graduate. I don't deserve this degree I made up for myself. I don't deserve any honors. I don't want to walk. I don't want my family to come see what I failure I am. I just want to stay in bed all day.

I know, I'm dramatic. Maybe that's what I'm best at. Is it possible for your faults to be your best qualities--best meaning what you're best at. There we go. I do excel at something: being a shitty person in all respects. Yay!

I have no future lined up. I don't want one. I can't stand another day of being absolutely worthless.