Well, I made it through another anniversary. Three years ago today, at almost this same time, my older brother passed away from pneumonia. As soon as November hits, it's like my brain won't shut off the memories, and I am overwhelmed. So, even though it's been three whole years, every anniversary, every birthday, and everyday reminder is still just as difficult.
For the past few days, I've been in that mode, and I knew today would be hard. What worried me the most was not being home. The past two years, I've spent this day with my best friends, so that if I needed them, they'd be right there and kind of, to distract me as well. But this year, I am 14 hours away from home and those people who normally hold me up in my weakness. I was so afraid that nobody here would understand and that I'd feel so alone in my heartache, but then God came to the rescue again. He provided me with the best friends I could ask for. I worked last night, and when I came back to my dorm room, I had a bouqet of flowers, a beautiful card, and tons of goodies. I couldn't even believe it. I literally stood and stared at it for a good five minutes.
You know, it isn't the stuff that mattered to me, even though they know me so well and got all of my favorite things. It was the thought and love that went into it. I have a lot of trouble trusting people and my relationships. If you knew my life story, you wouldn't blame me. But that distrust has hindered a lot of love and fulfillment in my life. Today, I realized something. I am not an island. I need other people. I may consider myself a loner and spend a good deal of time alone, but I need others. In fact, I depend on them. I certainly don't depend on them more than God, because humanness means imperfection, which means others will let me down and I will let them down as well. But I believe that we have fellowship as believers, because we need the body of Christ. I guess, I just never really understood that before.
My point is that I'm learning to need. I pretend to be so strong, but I'm no stronger than anyone else. And you know what? I don't have to be strong. Through my humanity, I am inherently needy, and that's ok. That's what God's for. But I'm also learning that sometimes He provides for our needs through people in our lives. I just need to get over my desire to be put together all the time. Who am I fooling anyway? I am a mess most of the time, but that's normal. Aren't we all? Let's connect through our brokenness. If nothing else brings us into unity, our neediness should be our bridge. We need each other.
