I am legitimately depressed. I always am, but this isn't the same.
I don't mean my normal low-grade depression or the consistent suicidal thoughts. This isn't the depression I've learned to live with. This is something different.
I feel absolutely empty, like I've been drained of color, deflated like a Patriot's football, vacuum-sealed with no air left to breathe. Everything feels heavy. I move more slowly than usual. Nothing sparks pleasure--not music or food or television or friends. Honestly, the only reason I continue to do schoolwork is that I'm so damn bored, but I couldn't care less about my grades anymore. Actually, all I've done since I got back to GC is schoolwork, and I am already well ahead of the game. This should make me happy. But nothing does. I don't even sleep well anymore; it only gives me a headache.
I don't even want to die necessarily. I just want it to stop. This shitty nothingness, the negative thoughts that numb me to anything good. I can't stand it. I keep thinking that I will just "get over" this depression shit, because it was all made up in my head anyway, but the truth is that it's my reality, and I can't escape it. The problem is that nothing can help me. I've tried the therapy thing, and it helps with the trauma I've been through, but it does nothing for the worthlessness, the hopelessness, or the emptiness. I still have no purpose or meaning. I am still totally unnecessary and unbearably exhausted. And I can't even sleep. Is this an actual nightmare?
And I can't get medication, because I can't tell my parents or consequently, my doctors. I can't tell my church family. They suck as a support system in the way that I need right now, but dammit, they are some of the few people who have never left me. I can't forfeit that, because who the fuck would I be all alone? I wouldn't survive for a second, because this darkness in my mind makes me virtually useless to life. Unfortunately, this just means my mom thinks I'm lazy and don't want a job and that I'm avoiding deciding about the future, because I don't want to be tied down to being an adult. And for a while, that was kind of my mantra about why being an adult sucked--you don't have time for real "living." But I'll give you another truth free of charge: I desperately want to be an adult and do adult things, but I know that I know that I know that I am utterly incapable of anything that matters.
Maybe that's just jackass depression talking again, but I have no evidence to the contrary. And frankly, I am tired of believing in myself one second only to fail horribly the next. I think it's safe to say that I've proven myself unworthy on too many occasions to count and that means I should just give up. I'm making a damn fool of myself. Why is it so hard to die around here? How have I not made someone angry enough to kill me yet? Oh damn, I bet if Nate were still alive, I could have swung that. But alas, he died before he could kill me. That bastard! And gosh, killing yourself has so many strings attached...too messy, too hurtful to loved ones, too complicated to plan and execute (punny, eh?).
I'm sorry that I'm making light of something so serious, but I guess humor makes it seem like I'm kidding when I talk about it. I think that's my basic problem in counseling. I just make a joke of everything, so she just doesn't grasp how dark I am or how much help I still need. But what can anyone really do? I have to solve this, but I am so tired and ill-equipped. I don't see this ever ending. So tonight, I will wrap myself in my darkness again and try to sleep well, because in the morning, I know it will be another day of seeing the light and having no way to reach it, like Tantalus I will try and try to get what I can never have as punishment for existing. And that is exhausting.
