Love, relationships, men. I've written on them in the past, but before this year, I had absolutely no experience with them. I never had a boyfriend or even the interest in one. I was saving myself for someone who I really felt I could be with for the long haul. Now, at the end of my first relationship, I feel like I have a little more knowledge to work with.

Well, honestly? At the beginning of the day, I just wanted to say, "to Hell with 'em." And I meant every relationship. I was done. I get sick of trusting people only to be totally let down. I recently found out that my brother is getting a divorce. This is obviously really hard on him, but I think we all feel the ache. He's thirteen years older than me, so they got married when I was six. She babysit me as a toddler on, and it always felt like she was a real sister and not just an in-law. Now, with the things that she's said and done to my brother and nephew, I can't trust her anymore or our relationship as sisters. I feel like I've lost another sibling. The point of this digression? Well, I looked up to them. They were so in love, so good together. I wanted what they had. And now, it's crumbled, and I feel like a part of my idea of love has too.

To me, love must involve trust. Trusting entirely in another person, taking into account, of course, that they are human. Trusting that despite the failures, the fear, and the struggles, they will always love you and keep their vow to you. And vice versa. Trusting that they are honest and open, that their promises and supposed truths are what they seem to be. Trusting that they'll fight to be with you, that they'll work even when it's hard, that they'll not give up the minute things get a little scary or difficult.

That's what I feel really lacks in my relationships. Trust. That's what hurts the most in this break-up. I trusted him with my heart, something I have never been able to do, not even with most friends. I have been through so many terrible times, times that taught me to be independent and protect myself. I have learned not to trust so easily, to test the waters and observe before you jump in. I was always so careful. But with him, we had this instant connection, and I felt like I could trust him with all those things I never had trusted others with. And I did. I told him things very few people know. For the longest time, I was confused about how I felt about him, because I was too afraid to just fall. But then, I did. I fell. Hard.

I assumed he fell hard as well. The things he said and did indicated that he did. He claimed to. He talked about wanting to marry me. He promised so many times to never leave me. He promised that I didn't have to face all those hurts alone, that he'd be there. He said all of those things the day before he ended things. He lied right to my face so many times. And THAT is what I'm talking about. I trusted his words. I trusted his actions. I feel like a fool.

But here's what I'm realizing. Trusting is scary. Trusting is a risk. It's really hard when trust is broken. But it's necessary to survive. It's necessary to love. It's just determining what you're trusting in, and WHO you're trusting in that matters.

"For it is we who are the circumcision, we who serve God by his Spirit, who boast in Christ Jesus, and who put no confidence in the flesh" - Philippians 3:3

So, trusting in the flesh, meaning the world, is not what we are called to do. Plain and simple. Of course we're going to be disappointed by others if we put all of our confidence, all of our trust in them. In fact, it's an unfair burden on them. They will fail. We don't excuse mistakes just because they are human; there must be a certain responsibility for one's actions. However, we can change how we react and deal with those mistakes. If you put so much confidence in the another person, when they crumble, you crumble with them. But if you put your confidence in God, when they fall, you remain on solid ground.

I lost sight of that. I'm no less hurt in realizing it, but I am determined not to completely lose the ability to trust others. I just have to remember where my true trust and confidence should be. In God. That's the only thing that won't fail.