I haven't written anything in a while, because I have felt pretty empty. I didn't want to give up the few thoughts in my mind for fear of being entirely empty and hollowed out. But I realized that's it's best to put it somewhere if I'm not going to talk about it anymore. And why not talk? Because it is the same stupid thing over and over again. Nobody wants to hear that after 2 years of counseling, being surrounded by great friends and a solid church, having stellar grades, traveling more than a lot of people do in a lifetime, and being generally liked, I still feel empty.
I still feel totally incapable. I try to use my crystal ball mind and see where I want to be someday, and I see blackness. I see nothingness. I see disappointed people who expected much more from me. I appreciate that everyone believes in me, I do. It should give me even an ounce of confidence in myself, but it only makes me sick about disappointing those people. I am just so tired of being a disappointment. Not good enough. Not talented enough. Not selfless or strong or smart or ambitious enough. I don't know who these people think I am. I am not anybody. I just exist, that's all. And someday they will figure out that somehow I was wrapped in a facade. I am nobody, truly.
I don't feel much anymore. I feel the weight of my exhaustion, and I feel joy at moments with my friends. But mostly, I feel dead inside. My spring break was the first life I have felt in myself for ages, but it doesn't help any. I just go back to that dead place once the excitement and energy is gone. I can't live on vacation; I have to live in reality, where I die every morning. And dammit, I don't know why I am dead. Like I said before, I have no reason to feel this way. I used to, but I have healed. So, what is this self-hatred about now? I just keep thinking I could sleep forever. I can't think straight, not about school or about what to do after.
I flip between the suicide blog and Facebook, and both make me feel just as alone. You would think a blog full of depressed, suicidal people would come with some level of support, but no, it's just a bunch of bitching adults like me who can't figure out how to do life correctly. I would add to the madness, but no one ever reads what I write. No one cares about my fears and insecurities. And why would they? At least, when I post cutesy things on Facebook, no matter how fake the feeling behind them is, I get likes. I feel less invisible. I feel approved.
I don't know what I'm even saying. I used to write so eloquently, but that was when my brain worked. Now, I can't form coherent thoughts. I just know there's something gnawing at me, and if I keep writing, maybe I'll figure it out. It's probably my hopeless future. I am supposed to be somebody. All of these people invested in me so that I could be someone and something special. But I am such a fake. I have no ideas. I have no drive. I just want to sleep. I see nothing after school. I feel like I have to kill myself after that. I can't defer the inevitable, because then they'll know that I was never really meant for anything special and that they wasted so much on me. I have to do it before they figure out what I really am. But I don't really want to die. I just want to sleep and dream beautiful dreams and feel alive and rested and joyful. But that isn't an option. There's only one of those. And it sucks.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Sunday, March 1, 2015
I Want to Kill Everything but Myself
I read an article today in my search for a reason to live (I am particularly low today) that made me think a bit differently. Do I really want to die? Like actually, do I want to be dead, gone, buried, no longer breathing, thinking, experiencing, existing? No. No no no no no. I don't want to be dead. Not really. There are a lot of things that I want to end but not my life. I just want to kill the things that stop me from living fully, the things that I feel that I cannot overcome.
Things I want to kill instead of myself:
1. My pain. That gnawing, aching, throbbing, stabbing pain in my heart from the past, present, and future that I can't seem to alleviate in any healthy way. I want to forgive those who have deeply hurt me and move on. I want to know how to soothe myself when it creeps up and tries to envelop me. I want to forgive myself for being in pain when I feel like I should be fine.
2. My self-hatred. I just want to look at myself and feel at peace. I can't stand another day of tearing myself down about every little thing that is wrong with me or every little mistake I make. I want to be able to forgive myself for not being perfect, for messing up in relationships, for saying the wrong thing, for having moments of anger and unkindness, for thinking terrible things, for ignoring injustice, for being knowingly sinful. I want to be kind to myself even though I am not skinny or beautiful or fashionable. I want to be ok with not being loved by everyone, whether it's a guy, a family member, a friend, or just anyone from whom I desperately seek approval.
3. My fear. I want to feel confident, like I have value and talent and options for the future. I want to stop being hindered by this perception that I cannot overcome obstacles even though, in reality, I have overcome so much in my life. Can I just stop being afraid of what people think or will think of me? Or of failure? Or even of the pressures that come with success? I am so afraid to just LIVE. I just want to live intelligently, of course, but without hindrance. Life is too freaking short (especially for the chronically suicidal) to be afraid of everything.
4. My selfishness. That huge piece of myself that can only seem to focus on myself. If I could just look past my struggles, my pain, and my fear, I could do so much to help those in need. And my heart aches for those in need. I want to kill that part of myself that refuses to see and do something about the pain of others.
5. My memories. I am so set back at times, because I can't let go of the past. Memories can be wonderful and helpful and beautiful but not always. Some of them are painful and shameful and terrifying, and reliving them stunts growth. I want not to forget but to get past them.
6. The lies. There is this evil, malicious voice in my head that keeps telling me terrible things about myself, about others, and about the world. I am so over listening to that bastard. I just want to hear truth in my mind instead of the slander. The lies tell me that my only option is to die, that I am worthless, revolting, and meaningless. I know, intellectually, that they are lies, but I need to know it much deeper, in my spirit. I am trying, but I need help with that. I need truth.
Now, how do I do this? I just need help, that's all.
Things I want to kill instead of myself:
1. My pain. That gnawing, aching, throbbing, stabbing pain in my heart from the past, present, and future that I can't seem to alleviate in any healthy way. I want to forgive those who have deeply hurt me and move on. I want to know how to soothe myself when it creeps up and tries to envelop me. I want to forgive myself for being in pain when I feel like I should be fine.
2. My self-hatred. I just want to look at myself and feel at peace. I can't stand another day of tearing myself down about every little thing that is wrong with me or every little mistake I make. I want to be able to forgive myself for not being perfect, for messing up in relationships, for saying the wrong thing, for having moments of anger and unkindness, for thinking terrible things, for ignoring injustice, for being knowingly sinful. I want to be kind to myself even though I am not skinny or beautiful or fashionable. I want to be ok with not being loved by everyone, whether it's a guy, a family member, a friend, or just anyone from whom I desperately seek approval.
3. My fear. I want to feel confident, like I have value and talent and options for the future. I want to stop being hindered by this perception that I cannot overcome obstacles even though, in reality, I have overcome so much in my life. Can I just stop being afraid of what people think or will think of me? Or of failure? Or even of the pressures that come with success? I am so afraid to just LIVE. I just want to live intelligently, of course, but without hindrance. Life is too freaking short (especially for the chronically suicidal) to be afraid of everything.
4. My selfishness. That huge piece of myself that can only seem to focus on myself. If I could just look past my struggles, my pain, and my fear, I could do so much to help those in need. And my heart aches for those in need. I want to kill that part of myself that refuses to see and do something about the pain of others.
5. My memories. I am so set back at times, because I can't let go of the past. Memories can be wonderful and helpful and beautiful but not always. Some of them are painful and shameful and terrifying, and reliving them stunts growth. I want not to forget but to get past them.
6. The lies. There is this evil, malicious voice in my head that keeps telling me terrible things about myself, about others, and about the world. I am so over listening to that bastard. I just want to hear truth in my mind instead of the slander. The lies tell me that my only option is to die, that I am worthless, revolting, and meaningless. I know, intellectually, that they are lies, but I need to know it much deeper, in my spirit. I am trying, but I need help with that. I need truth.
Now, how do I do this? I just need help, that's all.
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