I read an article today in my search for a reason to live (I am particularly low today) that made me think a bit differently. Do I really want to die? Like actually, do I want to be dead, gone, buried, no longer breathing, thinking, experiencing, existing? No. No no no no no. I don't want to be dead. Not really. There are a lot of things that I want to end but not my life. I just want to kill the things that stop me from living fully, the things that I feel that I cannot overcome.
Things I want to kill instead of myself:
1. My pain. That gnawing, aching, throbbing, stabbing pain in my heart from the past, present, and future that I can't seem to alleviate in any healthy way. I want to forgive those who have deeply hurt me and move on. I want to know how to soothe myself when it creeps up and tries to envelop me. I want to forgive myself for being in pain when I feel like I should be fine.
2. My self-hatred. I just want to look at myself and feel at peace. I can't stand another day of tearing myself down about every little thing that is wrong with me or every little mistake I make. I want to be able to forgive myself for not being perfect, for messing up in relationships, for saying the wrong thing, for having moments of anger and unkindness, for thinking terrible things, for ignoring injustice, for being knowingly sinful. I want to be kind to myself even though I am not skinny or beautiful or fashionable. I want to be ok with not being loved by everyone, whether it's a guy, a family member, a friend, or just anyone from whom I desperately seek approval.
3. My fear. I want to feel confident, like I have value and talent and options for the future. I want to stop being hindered by this perception that I cannot overcome obstacles even though, in reality, I have overcome so much in my life. Can I just stop being afraid of what people think or will think of me? Or of failure? Or even of the pressures that come with success? I am so afraid to just LIVE. I just want to live intelligently, of course, but without hindrance. Life is too freaking short (especially for the chronically suicidal) to be afraid of everything.
4. My selfishness. That huge piece of myself that can only seem to focus on myself. If I could just look past my struggles, my pain, and my fear, I could do so much to help those in need. And my heart aches for those in need. I want to kill that part of myself that refuses to see and do something about the pain of others.
5. My memories. I am so set back at times, because I can't let go of the past. Memories can be wonderful and helpful and beautiful but not always. Some of them are painful and shameful and terrifying, and reliving them stunts growth. I want not to forget but to get past them.
6. The lies. There is this evil, malicious voice in my head that keeps telling me terrible things about myself, about others, and about the world. I am so over listening to that bastard. I just want to hear truth in my mind instead of the slander. The lies tell me that my only option is to die, that I am worthless, revolting, and meaningless. I know, intellectually, that they are lies, but I need to know it much deeper, in my spirit. I am trying, but I need help with that. I need truth.
Now, how do I do this? I just need help, that's all.
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