Happiness. Why is it so scary?
I had a discussion with my best friend the other day. Everything in her life is just going really well. Of course, there will always be small things on a day to day basis that trip us up. So, we cry a little, maybe scream, and on occasion, we'll throw a thing or two. But those small things generally don't send us into spiralling depression, right? So other than those minor issues, my friend is on a real winning streak. She got a new car, she is hitting a peak in creativity in developing her own business, and she's growing immensely in God. Everything is awesome. But... Of course, that word would creep into her mind. But something bad always happens, right? But things can't go well for long. But this. But that. I asked her why she had to assume the worse, and she had no answer. I told her to let herself be happy, that good things in our lives aren't always a prelude to disaster.
I thought about what I told her and realized that I don't apply the same philosophy to my life. I always, always, always assume the worst. The thing is that I base a lot of my conclusions and assumptions on experience. Just as I learned to believe in gravity by throwing a ball into the air and watching it fall, I've learned that happiness is temporary by my experience of it. I equate it to temperature. It is so affected by everything around it that it is constantly going up and down, constantly altering based on environmental stimuli. Happiness is so inconsistent. It changes with everything I do, hear, see, or experience. And that scares me. You can't rely on something that could be different in the next second.
Right now, everything is perfect. I have a great guy (and yes, it's the one from the previous blog). I am following my dreams. I have amazing friends at college and at home. For the first time in my life, I have more "up" days than "down" days; I laugh more than I cry; and I am thankful more than I complain. So, why does that terrify me? Because of what I said before. Is something bad bound to happen? Can I rely on this newfound happiness? As I asked myself these questions, I was led to ask another of myself: since when do I ever rely on emotions to get me through life?
It's so simple, and it finally clicked. I am a feeler. By that I mean that I feel emotions (not people) very strongly. When I'm sad, I'm really more depressed. Get me some tissues, and keep me away from sharp objects. When I'm angry, I'm pretty much ready to start my career as an assassin, and you better not be the first person that I see. When I'm excited, I sound like a cheerleader, a chihuahua, and and a group of prepubescent middle school girls at a Justin Bieber concert all rolled into one person. So, when I'm happy, I'm happy to the extreme. That means that everytime my circumstances change, so do moods. They go from one extreme to another, never staying anywhere for long. The only thing that I can rely on my emotions to be is unreliable. Happiness is scary, because we can't rely on it.
So then what do I rely on? What can keep me balanced no matter what happens in my life? Call me cheesy or holier-than-thou, but my answer to that question will always be God. God is my constant. God is my balance. God is my consistency.
Last Sunday, we heard a sermon on joy. We won't always be happy, but we can always have the joy that God gives to us through faith in Him and through following His Word. So, when this happiness turns into sadness or anger or fear or even if it remains, I can still find joy in life. This is a fairly foreign concept to me. So, I looked up the word. I found two definitions that struck me.
1. A source of satisfaction
In this case, joy is a thing. God not only gives us joy, but He is that joy. You can find happiness in a lot of things. I personally find it in music, chocolate, and Pretty Little Liars. Yet, these things don't satisfy all of my needs. Joy, however, is satisfaction, and that means complete fulfillment. But you can only find joy and that fulfillment in God, because He is the only source of joy. The joy of the Lord is my strength. Not the joy of anything else.
2. A cause of delight
A joy is something that causes us delight, and Psalm 37:4 tells us to delight in the Lord. Where are we to turn for our delight, for our joy? The Bible is very clear. We are to turn to God to find it, further proof that God is our source and not anything else.
Now, I say these things with one caution. I am not saying that we should rely on joy to sustain us. Joy is an emotion. And we've learned that emotions are unreliable. What I am saying is that God is who sustains us. He is our source, and joy is a result of His presence in our lives. It is reliance in Him that will give us a consistent joy. It doesn't say joy is my strength. It says that the joy of the Lord is my strength. We must always go to Him as our source. In fact, when we do that, we get even more benefits. The Bible talks about love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance as being the fruits evident in our lives when we have the Spirit of God in us. Isn't that exciting?!
What am I getting at? I'm glad you asked!
Point #1: Emotions are unreliable.
Point #2: We must rely fully on God for everything.
Point #3: Joy and the presence of the other fruits is a direct result of reliance on God.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Godly Confidence
One thing I know that inspired me was a book called Do Hard
Things by Alex and Brett Harris. It has made me realized just how much our
generation limits itself. We have so much potential in Christ to do amazing
things in this world.
Sometimes, I'm guilty of looking at famous musicians, actors, athletes, and even politicians and giving them extraordinary qualities. I envy them, because there is just something about them that sets them apart from the rest of humanity. In my mind, I make them untouchable, unreachable. But you know what? They are just like you and I. As cliche as that sounds, they really are just human beings like the rest of us. What sets them apart? THEY do. Yes, they have talent, but so do you and I. Everyone has something that they excel at. Those select that we look up to as our heroes simply choose to put in that extra effort. I doubt they were born with a guitar in their hand or running shoes on their feet. It took hardwork and vision. And you know how it all started? Taking that first, scary step.
Taking that first step is what I want to talk about. For a while now, I've felt as though there is so much more I could do. I have this passion, this desire to reach the world, but if I let this passion fizzle out without actually doing anything, then it's wasted. Part of that first step is pursuing what I believe God has called me to do: music. In deciding where to go now that I've seen God's vision for my life, I've faced a lot of inner conflict. You see, when you stand up and decide to pursue God's plan for your life, this is when the tests are going to come. Tests to see if you're willing to fully trust in God and step out in faith. Through those tests, I've learned a few things. In this blog, I'll start out with my first big lesson.
1. Finding Godly Confidence
For the past two years of college, I've tried many different majors: biology, psychology, social work, etc. None of them quite fit, but one thing has always remained constant, my love for music. I have always dreamed of being a musician, but I never thought it was possible. I play a lot of instruments, but I don't really know a lot of music theory. I've always kind of taught myself. When I first realized what God was calling me to do, I dismissed it saying "God, you know I'm not good enough. How could I ever succeed?" I put all of my confidence in myself and found that there wasn't much to be confident in at all. I was right about one thing. I'm not good enough.
In Philippians 3, Paul talks about "those who put no confidence in the flesh." The flesh? What does that mean? Well, the way I think of it is that the "flesh" means our body. We each have three parts: body, soul, and spirit. The soul is fed by our emotions, the spirit is fed by our relationship with God, and the body is fed by not only by food but also, the urges or desires that are of the world and not of God. By putting confidence in the flesh, we are putting our confidence in the things of this world to satsify our needs and not in God. Did you ever notice that material things always get lost or broken? That people leave or let you down? That the economy fails? All of these things, these "temporary trappings of this world", will never be reliable.
The good news is that we don't have to rely on those things. Paul also talked about those "who boast in Christ Jesus." A boast is something you possess, something you can have pride in, and to have pride is to have a sense of personal self-worth. When we can boast in Christ, we have a reason to be confident in ourselves. We have the creator of the universe, the King of Kings himself, to rely on for everything we need, to make our dreams a reality. He will never let us down or fail. He is a constant in which we can put our confidence. And guess what? That same power, through which God does everything, is in us when we accept Him into our lives and begin to follow Him. With the power of God within you, you can accomplish things that you never would have dreamed of doing. Let Him use you!
In ourselves and in this world, we really have nothing to be confident about, but in God, we can have full confidence. So, if there's something that God's calling you to do, whether it's taking that first step to start a relationship with Him or if it's following His plan for your future, like I am, then have confidence in Him. Sometimes, we worry way too much. If you are confident in something, you know for a fact that it will meet your expectations. When we worry, we show just how unconfident we can be. But God says to us in Matthew 6: 25-27, "Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"
I love these verses, because they are so true. What does worrying really do for us but waste time? God has everything under control. Our job is to trust Him for everything. Is there something you need? Ask Him! Have confidence that He can provide for you. Right now, all I can do is trust that God will direct my path and give me the skills I need to succeed. After all, if this is in His will, then He won't leave me with nothing. He equips those who follow after Him. Believe for that!
Take Home Message: Put all of your confidence in God and nothing or nobody else. This is TRUE confidence.
Sometimes, I'm guilty of looking at famous musicians, actors, athletes, and even politicians and giving them extraordinary qualities. I envy them, because there is just something about them that sets them apart from the rest of humanity. In my mind, I make them untouchable, unreachable. But you know what? They are just like you and I. As cliche as that sounds, they really are just human beings like the rest of us. What sets them apart? THEY do. Yes, they have talent, but so do you and I. Everyone has something that they excel at. Those select that we look up to as our heroes simply choose to put in that extra effort. I doubt they were born with a guitar in their hand or running shoes on their feet. It took hardwork and vision. And you know how it all started? Taking that first, scary step.
Taking that first step is what I want to talk about. For a while now, I've felt as though there is so much more I could do. I have this passion, this desire to reach the world, but if I let this passion fizzle out without actually doing anything, then it's wasted. Part of that first step is pursuing what I believe God has called me to do: music. In deciding where to go now that I've seen God's vision for my life, I've faced a lot of inner conflict. You see, when you stand up and decide to pursue God's plan for your life, this is when the tests are going to come. Tests to see if you're willing to fully trust in God and step out in faith. Through those tests, I've learned a few things. In this blog, I'll start out with my first big lesson.
1. Finding Godly Confidence
For the past two years of college, I've tried many different majors: biology, psychology, social work, etc. None of them quite fit, but one thing has always remained constant, my love for music. I have always dreamed of being a musician, but I never thought it was possible. I play a lot of instruments, but I don't really know a lot of music theory. I've always kind of taught myself. When I first realized what God was calling me to do, I dismissed it saying "God, you know I'm not good enough. How could I ever succeed?" I put all of my confidence in myself and found that there wasn't much to be confident in at all. I was right about one thing. I'm not good enough.
In Philippians 3, Paul talks about "those who put no confidence in the flesh." The flesh? What does that mean? Well, the way I think of it is that the "flesh" means our body. We each have three parts: body, soul, and spirit. The soul is fed by our emotions, the spirit is fed by our relationship with God, and the body is fed by not only by food but also, the urges or desires that are of the world and not of God. By putting confidence in the flesh, we are putting our confidence in the things of this world to satsify our needs and not in God. Did you ever notice that material things always get lost or broken? That people leave or let you down? That the economy fails? All of these things, these "temporary trappings of this world", will never be reliable.
The good news is that we don't have to rely on those things. Paul also talked about those "who boast in Christ Jesus." A boast is something you possess, something you can have pride in, and to have pride is to have a sense of personal self-worth. When we can boast in Christ, we have a reason to be confident in ourselves. We have the creator of the universe, the King of Kings himself, to rely on for everything we need, to make our dreams a reality. He will never let us down or fail. He is a constant in which we can put our confidence. And guess what? That same power, through which God does everything, is in us when we accept Him into our lives and begin to follow Him. With the power of God within you, you can accomplish things that you never would have dreamed of doing. Let Him use you!
In ourselves and in this world, we really have nothing to be confident about, but in God, we can have full confidence. So, if there's something that God's calling you to do, whether it's taking that first step to start a relationship with Him or if it's following His plan for your future, like I am, then have confidence in Him. Sometimes, we worry way too much. If you are confident in something, you know for a fact that it will meet your expectations. When we worry, we show just how unconfident we can be. But God says to us in Matthew 6: 25-27, "Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"
I love these verses, because they are so true. What does worrying really do for us but waste time? God has everything under control. Our job is to trust Him for everything. Is there something you need? Ask Him! Have confidence that He can provide for you. Right now, all I can do is trust that God will direct my path and give me the skills I need to succeed. After all, if this is in His will, then He won't leave me with nothing. He equips those who follow after Him. Believe for that!
Take Home Message: Put all of your confidence in God and nothing or nobody else. This is TRUE confidence.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Fearless?
I just watched the movie He's Just Not That Into You, and I've realized something about myself; I am committment-phobic.
Let me just explain a bit. I am a romantic. I torture myself with Nicholas Sparks and other sappy movies/books. I love the idea of love, of surrendering your entire self to another person. When I'm watching that happen on the big screen, it doesn't seem so scary. It seems exhilerating and wonderful. Even in my daydreams, that kind of love is what I desire. Yet, in real life, I don't know if I can do it.
Over the past year or so, I have actually gotten male attention. I don't know what suddenly woke up the mysterious other sex, but something did. Now, this is not to say that I've been asked out. I haven't. I've just been noticed more, which is always ego-boosting. In the past, I haven't exactly been ignored, but the treatment I've received from men has been less than romantic. In fact, it bordered on ridicule. I'm just not the fish that men want to catch. I'm that funny-looking fish that they happen to see in the water and decide to mess with. Certainly not what they intend to hook. But now? I'm somehow less revolting.
Don't get me wrong. It's really nice to be noticed, but when I find that happening, something inside of me cries out, "Be careful!" Or at least that's what I've always thought it was saying. Now, I'm not so sure. If I were simply trying to be careful, I don't think I'd feel how I do right now. You see, there may or may not be a potential guy on the homefront. I don't really know if anything would ever happen or if he'd ever ask me out. All I know is that if he did, I'd be terrified.
I don't quite understand this fear. I am generally pretty fearless. I mean, I've been through so many terrifying things in my life, things that actually threatened my life, yet the idea of a guy liking me is what scares me. What is that? So, I've been trying to figure out why I'm so afraid--not just of this guy, of any guy in general.
Fear #1: Rejection
I think part of the problem is that I won't ever 100% believe that any guy likes me. I don't say any of this to put myself down. I'm just being honest. I have been rejected by guys my entire life. I was ridiculed in middle school and high school for my appearance, particularly my weight, and I don't think that I ever really got over that. No, I don't sit around and wallow about it. That would be stupid. I did, however, lose a lot of faith in men. Really, I lost a lot of faith in people.
Rejection is cyclic. Others reject you->You reject you->You isolate yourself from others, because you feel rejected and even like you deserve to be rejected->Others feel rejected and, in turn, reject you. It's a never ending circle. A circle in which I live my life. This is why I'm so high-maintenance. People try so hard to show that they care for me and want me around, but I just can't believe them. It seems so farfetched to me. I can't ever commit to relationships, because I'm too afraid to trust. Too afraid that they're lying. Too afraid that they'll suddenly see what they missed at first and then, hightail it out of there. I don't want to be rejected, so I become the rejecter.
Fear #2: Intimacy
I hate other people knowing how I feel. It's too much vulnerability. Why is that bad? Because I'm afraid that they won't understand me or that they'll use it against me. That's part of it, but mostly, I'm just afraid to get in too deep. Once you open yourself up like that, you can really set yourself up for heartache. I, like most people, want to avoid pain at all costs. What if they change their mind about me? There I go, back to the fear of rejection.
I don't want to be intimate, because that means that I'm people know things about me. They know that hidden part of me that used to be mine. They have the control now. I hate not knowing what others think. When I control what they know about me, I can also control, to an extent, the array of things they can think about me. If they never see an emotion, would it make sense for them to call me emotional? No. You come to conclusions about others based on observations, so I am very calculating in what I let others see. I need that control over their perception, and intimacy steals it from me.
Fear #3: Skeletons
I have a past. I know, everyone has one, and every one is different. But I wonder if mine is too dark, if there is just too much baggage. The things I've done and experienced? There is no way anyone could accept me. And that's the thing, you have to be entirely honest in a relationship. That's the intimacy I was talking about. So, you can't avoid revealing those skeletons, because eventually, that guy is going to open the closet himself and find them. Might as well tell him beforehand.
But I'm afraid that my past will be too much for a guy and for anyone for that matter. And my past has greatly affected who I am today, so if my past is too much for him to handle then so am I. In fact, my past leaks into my present sometimes. It doesn't always remain where it belongs. It's always there overshadowing me. Secrets are called skeletons for a reason. They're well hidden, but they're always there. They shape your body. Our pasts do the same thing. What if my skeletons scare him off?
Fear #4: Settling
I am insecure. If you didn't notice it before, I have confidence and self-esteem issues. The things that contribute to those issues also make me feel like I have to be with the first guy who actually likes me and treats me well. This is a problem. Like I said, I'm that hopeless romantic. I want that breathtaking romance from the movies. Or at least, I want some passion. But what if I never feel that for someone, because I settle too early? I'm so afraid that I'll jump at the first offer and be making a huge mistake.
I'm the type of person that wants to be with one person her entire life. I don't want to try things out with a bunch of guys. I just want one relationship. I know that's unlikely, but I also think it'll save me a lot of trouble in the long run. The problem is...how do I know who is right? How do I know I'm not just settling, because I'm insecure or impatient?
Fear #5: Committment
This one encapsulates them all. I'm afraid to be rejected, to be intimate, to reveal my skeletons, and to settle for the wrong person. All of these fears lead to my committment-phobia. How can I commit to someone with all these fears? So, I don't. When someone likes me, it's nice at first, but then, I run. I don't explain. I just run. Or I get mean. I guess that's immature, but I don't know what else to do. Fear is an extremely strong emotion. How do you control it? Or overcome it? I don't know if I'll ever be with anyone, because I'm so skiddish and fearful. And really, it's sad that fear would hinder the most life-altering, wonderful experience I might ever have the opportunity to have.
But what can I do?
Let me just explain a bit. I am a romantic. I torture myself with Nicholas Sparks and other sappy movies/books. I love the idea of love, of surrendering your entire self to another person. When I'm watching that happen on the big screen, it doesn't seem so scary. It seems exhilerating and wonderful. Even in my daydreams, that kind of love is what I desire. Yet, in real life, I don't know if I can do it.
Over the past year or so, I have actually gotten male attention. I don't know what suddenly woke up the mysterious other sex, but something did. Now, this is not to say that I've been asked out. I haven't. I've just been noticed more, which is always ego-boosting. In the past, I haven't exactly been ignored, but the treatment I've received from men has been less than romantic. In fact, it bordered on ridicule. I'm just not the fish that men want to catch. I'm that funny-looking fish that they happen to see in the water and decide to mess with. Certainly not what they intend to hook. But now? I'm somehow less revolting.
Don't get me wrong. It's really nice to be noticed, but when I find that happening, something inside of me cries out, "Be careful!" Or at least that's what I've always thought it was saying. Now, I'm not so sure. If I were simply trying to be careful, I don't think I'd feel how I do right now. You see, there may or may not be a potential guy on the homefront. I don't really know if anything would ever happen or if he'd ever ask me out. All I know is that if he did, I'd be terrified.
I don't quite understand this fear. I am generally pretty fearless. I mean, I've been through so many terrifying things in my life, things that actually threatened my life, yet the idea of a guy liking me is what scares me. What is that? So, I've been trying to figure out why I'm so afraid--not just of this guy, of any guy in general.
Fear #1: Rejection
I think part of the problem is that I won't ever 100% believe that any guy likes me. I don't say any of this to put myself down. I'm just being honest. I have been rejected by guys my entire life. I was ridiculed in middle school and high school for my appearance, particularly my weight, and I don't think that I ever really got over that. No, I don't sit around and wallow about it. That would be stupid. I did, however, lose a lot of faith in men. Really, I lost a lot of faith in people.
Rejection is cyclic. Others reject you->You reject you->You isolate yourself from others, because you feel rejected and even like you deserve to be rejected->Others feel rejected and, in turn, reject you. It's a never ending circle. A circle in which I live my life. This is why I'm so high-maintenance. People try so hard to show that they care for me and want me around, but I just can't believe them. It seems so farfetched to me. I can't ever commit to relationships, because I'm too afraid to trust. Too afraid that they're lying. Too afraid that they'll suddenly see what they missed at first and then, hightail it out of there. I don't want to be rejected, so I become the rejecter.
Fear #2: Intimacy
I hate other people knowing how I feel. It's too much vulnerability. Why is that bad? Because I'm afraid that they won't understand me or that they'll use it against me. That's part of it, but mostly, I'm just afraid to get in too deep. Once you open yourself up like that, you can really set yourself up for heartache. I, like most people, want to avoid pain at all costs. What if they change their mind about me? There I go, back to the fear of rejection.
I don't want to be intimate, because that means that I'm people know things about me. They know that hidden part of me that used to be mine. They have the control now. I hate not knowing what others think. When I control what they know about me, I can also control, to an extent, the array of things they can think about me. If they never see an emotion, would it make sense for them to call me emotional? No. You come to conclusions about others based on observations, so I am very calculating in what I let others see. I need that control over their perception, and intimacy steals it from me.
Fear #3: Skeletons
I have a past. I know, everyone has one, and every one is different. But I wonder if mine is too dark, if there is just too much baggage. The things I've done and experienced? There is no way anyone could accept me. And that's the thing, you have to be entirely honest in a relationship. That's the intimacy I was talking about. So, you can't avoid revealing those skeletons, because eventually, that guy is going to open the closet himself and find them. Might as well tell him beforehand.
But I'm afraid that my past will be too much for a guy and for anyone for that matter. And my past has greatly affected who I am today, so if my past is too much for him to handle then so am I. In fact, my past leaks into my present sometimes. It doesn't always remain where it belongs. It's always there overshadowing me. Secrets are called skeletons for a reason. They're well hidden, but they're always there. They shape your body. Our pasts do the same thing. What if my skeletons scare him off?
Fear #4: Settling
I am insecure. If you didn't notice it before, I have confidence and self-esteem issues. The things that contribute to those issues also make me feel like I have to be with the first guy who actually likes me and treats me well. This is a problem. Like I said, I'm that hopeless romantic. I want that breathtaking romance from the movies. Or at least, I want some passion. But what if I never feel that for someone, because I settle too early? I'm so afraid that I'll jump at the first offer and be making a huge mistake.
I'm the type of person that wants to be with one person her entire life. I don't want to try things out with a bunch of guys. I just want one relationship. I know that's unlikely, but I also think it'll save me a lot of trouble in the long run. The problem is...how do I know who is right? How do I know I'm not just settling, because I'm insecure or impatient?
Fear #5: Committment
This one encapsulates them all. I'm afraid to be rejected, to be intimate, to reveal my skeletons, and to settle for the wrong person. All of these fears lead to my committment-phobia. How can I commit to someone with all these fears? So, I don't. When someone likes me, it's nice at first, but then, I run. I don't explain. I just run. Or I get mean. I guess that's immature, but I don't know what else to do. Fear is an extremely strong emotion. How do you control it? Or overcome it? I don't know if I'll ever be with anyone, because I'm so skiddish and fearful. And really, it's sad that fear would hinder the most life-altering, wonderful experience I might ever have the opportunity to have.
But what can I do?
This I Believe
I believe in love.
This week, we heard about Hosea and his wife, a prime example of God's love. God told Hosea to marry and to love this woman, a prostitute. Yes, a prostitute. And while the world would look down on such a women, he did love her. He pursued her with the same love with which God pursues us. The same love with which we should pursue God and each other. You see, this love that I believe in is not spelled "Love"; it is spelled "God." The Bible says that God is love, and if I'm pursuing God, if I'm trying to become more like Him, then my love should be Godly. But what does that mean? What is Godly love? Well, in my limited human understanding, I'd say that means it's unconditional. Endless. Selfless. Gracious. Passionate. Sacrificial. This love that I believe in has no boundaries or requirements. When I show you my love, I want to show you my God.
Yet, I fail so many times at this. My love is conditional. My love changes and wavers as if blown by the wind. With each change of mood, with each new interaction, and with each new person I see, my love is altered. You treat me poorly? I love you less. You don't meet my standards? I love you less. You don't love me? I love you less. That isn't love. God's answers are so very different. I treat God poorly? He loves me the same. I don't meet God's standards? He loves me the same. I don't love God? He loves me the same. How can I receive such grace so freely, yet refuse to offer the same grace to others just as freely? I don't deserve to be loved. I am wretched. I am nothing. I am sin itself. Yet, God loves me.
So, this is an apology to God, to the world, to everyone that I claim to love. I am not loving. I pretend that I am, but in reality, I don't even understand the word. So, I am sorry. The good news? God still loves me despite me, and He gives me His grace through which I can be made new. His mercies are new every morning, so today and everyday, I can try again to show love. I will fail, but I promise to try.
This week, we heard about Hosea and his wife, a prime example of God's love. God told Hosea to marry and to love this woman, a prostitute. Yes, a prostitute. And while the world would look down on such a women, he did love her. He pursued her with the same love with which God pursues us. The same love with which we should pursue God and each other. You see, this love that I believe in is not spelled "Love"; it is spelled "God." The Bible says that God is love, and if I'm pursuing God, if I'm trying to become more like Him, then my love should be Godly. But what does that mean? What is Godly love? Well, in my limited human understanding, I'd say that means it's unconditional. Endless. Selfless. Gracious. Passionate. Sacrificial. This love that I believe in has no boundaries or requirements. When I show you my love, I want to show you my God.
Yet, I fail so many times at this. My love is conditional. My love changes and wavers as if blown by the wind. With each change of mood, with each new interaction, and with each new person I see, my love is altered. You treat me poorly? I love you less. You don't meet my standards? I love you less. You don't love me? I love you less. That isn't love. God's answers are so very different. I treat God poorly? He loves me the same. I don't meet God's standards? He loves me the same. I don't love God? He loves me the same. How can I receive such grace so freely, yet refuse to offer the same grace to others just as freely? I don't deserve to be loved. I am wretched. I am nothing. I am sin itself. Yet, God loves me.
So, this is an apology to God, to the world, to everyone that I claim to love. I am not loving. I pretend that I am, but in reality, I don't even understand the word. So, I am sorry. The good news? God still loves me despite me, and He gives me His grace through which I can be made new. His mercies are new every morning, so today and everyday, I can try again to show love. I will fail, but I promise to try.
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