Well, I made it through another anniversary. Three years ago today, at almost this same time, my older brother passed away from pneumonia. As soon as November hits, it's like my brain won't shut off the memories, and I am overwhelmed. So, even though it's been three whole years, every anniversary, every birthday, and everyday reminder is still just as difficult.
For the past few days, I've been in that mode, and I knew today would be hard. What worried me the most was not being home. The past two years, I've spent this day with my best friends, so that if I needed them, they'd be right there and kind of, to distract me as well. But this year, I am 14 hours away from home and those people who normally hold me up in my weakness. I was so afraid that nobody here would understand and that I'd feel so alone in my heartache, but then God came to the rescue again. He provided me with the best friends I could ask for. I worked last night, and when I came back to my dorm room, I had a bouqet of flowers, a beautiful card, and tons of goodies. I couldn't even believe it. I literally stood and stared at it for a good five minutes.
You know, it isn't the stuff that mattered to me, even though they know me so well and got all of my favorite things. It was the thought and love that went into it. I have a lot of trouble trusting people and my relationships. If you knew my life story, you wouldn't blame me. But that distrust has hindered a lot of love and fulfillment in my life. Today, I realized something. I am not an island. I need other people. I may consider myself a loner and spend a good deal of time alone, but I need others. In fact, I depend on them. I certainly don't depend on them more than God, because humanness means imperfection, which means others will let me down and I will let them down as well. But I believe that we have fellowship as believers, because we need the body of Christ. I guess, I just never really understood that before.
My point is that I'm learning to need. I pretend to be so strong, but I'm no stronger than anyone else. And you know what? I don't have to be strong. Through my humanity, I am inherently needy, and that's ok. That's what God's for. But I'm also learning that sometimes He provides for our needs through people in our lives. I just need to get over my desire to be put together all the time. Who am I fooling anyway? I am a mess most of the time, but that's normal. Aren't we all? Let's connect through our brokenness. If nothing else brings us into unity, our neediness should be our bridge. We need each other.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
Where I Belong
November 11th will mark the third anniversary of the death of my older brother, Nate. So, with less than two weeks until this anniversary, my mind has been flooded with memories and a lot of reflection on life in general. It also reminds me of the death of my youth leader, Leroy, this past January. Both of these events were those core-shaking, life-altering kinds of moments that you never forget. And the wounds from both are still so fresh that it hurts to really think about them.
I took the time last night to consider my brother's life and my relationship with him for the first time in over a year. I tend to push it aside and pretend that it isn't a part of who I am, but without this event or my brother, I would not be me at all. I don't really feel the need to go into detail about our relationship. If you ask, I'll tell you, but as this is a public forum, I don't feel that it's entirely appropriate. I will say that it was a tumultuous one, as was my brother's life in general. He was just so angry and hurting. I never quite figured out why or what that had to do with me, but I did notice one glaring difference between the two of us. He didn't follow God.
Now, you can call me a Jesus freak or whatever you'd like, but it is my firm belief that God is the only way to have an abundant life. And Nate, well, he knew of God. He'd grown up in church, he learned the stories, and I think that deep down, he might've loved God in some way, but he didn't have the relationship. This difference was evident in the way he lived his entire life. Unfortunately, I am left with the regret and guilt of not ensuring his salvation. Right, I know, it was his choice. But imagine truly having no idea whether a loved one went to Heaven or Hell. I like to believe in a merciful God that sees the heart, but I don't know the final state of Nate's heart either, and I wish that I had tried harder to help him find God.
I think what breaks my heart is that Nate had so much potential. He was so smart and hilarious. He could have been a famous scientist or a famous comedian, either way, he had that charisma and genius that is so rare. And imagine if he had put that charisma and genius into the kingdom of God. He could've made such a difference. He could have had joy and happiness in Christ, but instead, he lived a hard, sad life. So short a life, but so full of pain. It shouldn't have been that way. It breaks my heart.
Now, Leroy, he was the greatest person that I ever met or will probably meet. He was so funny, loving, Godly, intelligent, etc. If the church is the body, then he was the heart. And that's how it feels without him, like we're missing our heart. I can only imagine how his four young daughters,wife, sisters, parents, nieces, and nephews feel without him. I spend a lot of time with them when I'm in PA, and I can see the heartbreak. I know how heartbroken I am, so I can't even fathom their heartbreak.
But the difference, again, between Nate's life and Leroy's was God. Leroy had this joy and happiness that I have never seen in anyone else. I know that he is rejoicing in Heaven without a doubt. Nate did not have joy or happiness, at least, not beyond the surface. God makes all the difference in this life and where we end up in the next. I have this peace with Leroy's death that I never have found with Nate's. I think it's because I know where he is and that he was ready.
I keep listening to the song "Where I Belong" by Building 429 on repeat. It basically says that this world isn't our home. We are made for Heaven, and this life is just a temporary holding place for that greater paradise. It's an important song for a couple of reasons.
Three days before Leroy died, we went to Winter Jam, where Building 429 played. It's basically a huge event with an assortment of Christian artists. It's pretty fun. But I was standing beside him during the event, and when they played "Where I Belong", I remember being in awe of his sincerity in singing the words. Like he knew that he wasn't meant for this world and that he would be home soon. After it was over, I heard him turn and say to his oldest daughter, "Lauren, this is not where I belong." He said it playfully, but I know he was serious. It's something I will never forget experiencing. I can still hear him singing the words, "All I know is I'm not home yet. This is not where I belong. Take this world, and give me Jesus. This is not where I belong." He meant it with his entire self, and I can only wish to mean that like he did.
It's also something I've been thinking a lot about lately. I see so much pain in this world, and I experience a lot of pain. Not any more than anyone else, but sometimes it gets overwhelming. No one can dispute the fact that this world is not the greatest place to live. And I remember in the midst of some of my most difficult experiences just asking God to take me away. This world is so full of suffering that it's gets exhausting. But this song inspires me so much.
I don't think that in writing the lyrics, the writers meant it to be a plea to die. No, I think it's meant to help us realize that even in this world, we can have a piece of the other world. That's what Jesus did for us. This suffering, this terrible pain, is not what we have to define our lives by. We can have the abundant life that God intended for us even before we die. We can have joy and happiness like Leroy did. And beyond abundant life here, we have hope in knowing that we haven't even made it to our home yet. One day, we will finally be where we belong. There's a reason this place is so hard to fit into; it isn't where we belong.
It gives me hope. One, because Leroy is finally where he belongs, and in that, we can rejoice. Two, because even though Nate never experienced that abundant life and may not be in Heaven, I can learn from his life. I can be different. For a long time, I let his death ruin my life. It destroyed me. But now, I realize that it should be a lesson more than anything. I want what Leroy had. I want what God has for me here, but I want to be so found in God that if I died, I would know not only that I was going to Heaven but that I would finally be going home. I don't want to be attached to anything of this world, because none of it matters. And once I am entirely found in God, that joy and happiness will follow.
Even beyond Heaven, I belong in God. He is my hiding place, my refuge, and my shelter. He is my home, so even in this world, I can have a taste of home through Him. And I don't need anything else to satisfy me.
I took the time last night to consider my brother's life and my relationship with him for the first time in over a year. I tend to push it aside and pretend that it isn't a part of who I am, but without this event or my brother, I would not be me at all. I don't really feel the need to go into detail about our relationship. If you ask, I'll tell you, but as this is a public forum, I don't feel that it's entirely appropriate. I will say that it was a tumultuous one, as was my brother's life in general. He was just so angry and hurting. I never quite figured out why or what that had to do with me, but I did notice one glaring difference between the two of us. He didn't follow God.
Now, you can call me a Jesus freak or whatever you'd like, but it is my firm belief that God is the only way to have an abundant life. And Nate, well, he knew of God. He'd grown up in church, he learned the stories, and I think that deep down, he might've loved God in some way, but he didn't have the relationship. This difference was evident in the way he lived his entire life. Unfortunately, I am left with the regret and guilt of not ensuring his salvation. Right, I know, it was his choice. But imagine truly having no idea whether a loved one went to Heaven or Hell. I like to believe in a merciful God that sees the heart, but I don't know the final state of Nate's heart either, and I wish that I had tried harder to help him find God.
I think what breaks my heart is that Nate had so much potential. He was so smart and hilarious. He could have been a famous scientist or a famous comedian, either way, he had that charisma and genius that is so rare. And imagine if he had put that charisma and genius into the kingdom of God. He could've made such a difference. He could have had joy and happiness in Christ, but instead, he lived a hard, sad life. So short a life, but so full of pain. It shouldn't have been that way. It breaks my heart.
Now, Leroy, he was the greatest person that I ever met or will probably meet. He was so funny, loving, Godly, intelligent, etc. If the church is the body, then he was the heart. And that's how it feels without him, like we're missing our heart. I can only imagine how his four young daughters,wife, sisters, parents, nieces, and nephews feel without him. I spend a lot of time with them when I'm in PA, and I can see the heartbreak. I know how heartbroken I am, so I can't even fathom their heartbreak.
But the difference, again, between Nate's life and Leroy's was God. Leroy had this joy and happiness that I have never seen in anyone else. I know that he is rejoicing in Heaven without a doubt. Nate did not have joy or happiness, at least, not beyond the surface. God makes all the difference in this life and where we end up in the next. I have this peace with Leroy's death that I never have found with Nate's. I think it's because I know where he is and that he was ready.
I keep listening to the song "Where I Belong" by Building 429 on repeat. It basically says that this world isn't our home. We are made for Heaven, and this life is just a temporary holding place for that greater paradise. It's an important song for a couple of reasons.
Three days before Leroy died, we went to Winter Jam, where Building 429 played. It's basically a huge event with an assortment of Christian artists. It's pretty fun. But I was standing beside him during the event, and when they played "Where I Belong", I remember being in awe of his sincerity in singing the words. Like he knew that he wasn't meant for this world and that he would be home soon. After it was over, I heard him turn and say to his oldest daughter, "Lauren, this is not where I belong." He said it playfully, but I know he was serious. It's something I will never forget experiencing. I can still hear him singing the words, "All I know is I'm not home yet. This is not where I belong. Take this world, and give me Jesus. This is not where I belong." He meant it with his entire self, and I can only wish to mean that like he did.
It's also something I've been thinking a lot about lately. I see so much pain in this world, and I experience a lot of pain. Not any more than anyone else, but sometimes it gets overwhelming. No one can dispute the fact that this world is not the greatest place to live. And I remember in the midst of some of my most difficult experiences just asking God to take me away. This world is so full of suffering that it's gets exhausting. But this song inspires me so much.
I don't think that in writing the lyrics, the writers meant it to be a plea to die. No, I think it's meant to help us realize that even in this world, we can have a piece of the other world. That's what Jesus did for us. This suffering, this terrible pain, is not what we have to define our lives by. We can have the abundant life that God intended for us even before we die. We can have joy and happiness like Leroy did. And beyond abundant life here, we have hope in knowing that we haven't even made it to our home yet. One day, we will finally be where we belong. There's a reason this place is so hard to fit into; it isn't where we belong.
It gives me hope. One, because Leroy is finally where he belongs, and in that, we can rejoice. Two, because even though Nate never experienced that abundant life and may not be in Heaven, I can learn from his life. I can be different. For a long time, I let his death ruin my life. It destroyed me. But now, I realize that it should be a lesson more than anything. I want what Leroy had. I want what God has for me here, but I want to be so found in God that if I died, I would know not only that I was going to Heaven but that I would finally be going home. I don't want to be attached to anything of this world, because none of it matters. And once I am entirely found in God, that joy and happiness will follow.
Even beyond Heaven, I belong in God. He is my hiding place, my refuge, and my shelter. He is my home, so even in this world, I can have a taste of home through Him. And I don't need anything else to satisfy me.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Don't Choke
I am a horrible communicator. I really am. Yes, on paper or online, I can write, but when it comes to face to face interaction or even to being totally honest about my own feelings in any communicative form, I just can't seem to do it. I've been struggling a lot this past week for various reasons, and it's really hard for me to be open with others about it. I absolutely love listening to people and giving advice, but when it comes to talking about myself or even following the advice that I give them, again, I lack...something. I have no idea what it is that stops me.
I am the type of person that thinks all the time, about everything. So, I have plenty of time to think about how I'm feeling. Most of the time, I know exactly how I feel about things, simply because I analyze everything constantly. Theoretically, I could, at any given moment, tell you exactly what I'm feeling, but then I open my mouth and.....nothing. It's like the words get stuck somewhere or my voicebox gets disconnected from my brain temporarily. I choke. It gets really frustrating.
I wouldn't mind this so much if it weren't for the fact that communication is so key to relationships. It's one thing to be able to listen, but it's also necessary to be able to talk. It's a dialogue, a give and take. This summer, I parted ways rather viciously with a group of friends that I loved dearly. One of the problems was that they felt no intimacy with me. I was so closed off to them that they felt no connection emotionally. I could listen to them or give advice or even talk shallowly all that I wanted, but even after years of friendship with the majority of them, they still felt that they didn't know me. This, at first, made me so angry. How could they say that? Did I mean nothing to them? But then it hit me. I really was in the wrong.
My tendency is to think that by not communicating about my feelings I am being strong or less burdensome or even superior. I think, "Well, I am so strong that I don't need to talk about anything. In fact, I must be stronger than my friends, because they do talk about things. Plus, I don't want to burden anyone. My problems really aren't so big."
One, I am weaker. Strength is not in doing the safe thing. Being closed off is easy and has no risk. Strength comes through being open, being vulnerable, taking risks. So I am not strong through silence. I am weak. Two, I am not superior. This is ridiculous. Communicating has nothing to do with superiority or inferiority. Yes, it's a skill, but if I judged superiority based on ability to communicate, I would come up inferior. I really need to keep my pride in check with this. Three, without realizing it, I became even more of a burden because I withheld information. They had to work so hard to reach me, and it exhausted them, so much so that they couldn't take it anymore. If it's a true friendship, it isn't burdensome to be intimate. It's what creates the bond and keeps it strong.
Why do I say all this? Because I'm at another point where I have to make choice: be closed off as always or open myself up. I am making such good friends here at college, and I don't want to ruin more relationships by being emotionally unreachable. The problem is that, even with this strong desire to change, I don't know how to make the words come out. How do you force them out?
I guess, right now, my best and only idea about that is practice. I can't talk, because I refuse to try. I make excuses and justify my lack of communication to myself, but have I honestly tried so hard? No. Honestly, I haven't. It will just take getting over that very first face to face talk. I think in time I can develop the skill. I just don't know where to begin.
I am the type of person that thinks all the time, about everything. So, I have plenty of time to think about how I'm feeling. Most of the time, I know exactly how I feel about things, simply because I analyze everything constantly. Theoretically, I could, at any given moment, tell you exactly what I'm feeling, but then I open my mouth and.....nothing. It's like the words get stuck somewhere or my voicebox gets disconnected from my brain temporarily. I choke. It gets really frustrating.
I wouldn't mind this so much if it weren't for the fact that communication is so key to relationships. It's one thing to be able to listen, but it's also necessary to be able to talk. It's a dialogue, a give and take. This summer, I parted ways rather viciously with a group of friends that I loved dearly. One of the problems was that they felt no intimacy with me. I was so closed off to them that they felt no connection emotionally. I could listen to them or give advice or even talk shallowly all that I wanted, but even after years of friendship with the majority of them, they still felt that they didn't know me. This, at first, made me so angry. How could they say that? Did I mean nothing to them? But then it hit me. I really was in the wrong.
My tendency is to think that by not communicating about my feelings I am being strong or less burdensome or even superior. I think, "Well, I am so strong that I don't need to talk about anything. In fact, I must be stronger than my friends, because they do talk about things. Plus, I don't want to burden anyone. My problems really aren't so big."
One, I am weaker. Strength is not in doing the safe thing. Being closed off is easy and has no risk. Strength comes through being open, being vulnerable, taking risks. So I am not strong through silence. I am weak. Two, I am not superior. This is ridiculous. Communicating has nothing to do with superiority or inferiority. Yes, it's a skill, but if I judged superiority based on ability to communicate, I would come up inferior. I really need to keep my pride in check with this. Three, without realizing it, I became even more of a burden because I withheld information. They had to work so hard to reach me, and it exhausted them, so much so that they couldn't take it anymore. If it's a true friendship, it isn't burdensome to be intimate. It's what creates the bond and keeps it strong.
Why do I say all this? Because I'm at another point where I have to make choice: be closed off as always or open myself up. I am making such good friends here at college, and I don't want to ruin more relationships by being emotionally unreachable. The problem is that, even with this strong desire to change, I don't know how to make the words come out. How do you force them out?
I guess, right now, my best and only idea about that is practice. I can't talk, because I refuse to try. I make excuses and justify my lack of communication to myself, but have I honestly tried so hard? No. Honestly, I haven't. It will just take getting over that very first face to face talk. I think in time I can develop the skill. I just don't know where to begin.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
I Dig It
I have been wanting to blog for a few days now, but I'm clean out of inspiration. In fact, I have no motivation to do anything lately. I think it's a textbook case of the blues. Yep, I'm in a rut. And getting into a rut is never good, particularly because it leads to deeper problems. By that, I mean you dig yourself deeper. Now, we often say that we are in a rut, but I want to look at it from a different angle. I want to talk about what it's like to create a rut in our life and what that can turn into.
First it starts as a rut, which is a small indent, generally from a tire. Not a big deal, right? It isn't very big at all. It doesn't do much damage. Right? However, the thing about any amount of indention is that it displaces material, leaving room for debris from the environment to land in it. Trash, leaves, rain water. You name it, and it'll most likely find it's way in. So, even though it's small, it begins to collect litter. Not to mention that it's easy to create one. Once the ground gets even a little bit weak or soft from the rain, it doesn't take much pressure at all to create a rut.
How does this relate to our lives? Well, I think of a rut as the chipping away of our defenses, of growing weary, of beginning to let our guards down. We soften ourselves just like the rain softens the ground. We become susceptible to the influences and pressures outside of us. It isn't long before those negative thoughts that used to bounce off of us start to creep into our minds and get rid of the positivity that we once had. It rarely takes much for frustrations and discouragement to displace hope and perseverance. We let our guards down, the difficulties that we face remove the positivity with in us, and from there, the "debris" from around us is welcome. The negativity in the world begins to influence our attitude, our treatment of others, and our relationship with God. But still, it's just a small change, right?
Wrong. A rut in the ground, if the erosion continues further, can become something even bigger. A small indention can turn into a ditch. The biggest problem I find with ditches is that they begin to cause more issues. Often, car accidents are caused by or end in a ditch. Either the driver drives into it or in the midst of an accident, they land in it. And even more so than with a rut, it is hard to get out of one.
The analogy again relates back to us. A rut in our lives can be dealt with early on. When we start to lose hope or get weary, we need to recognize it and ask for God's hand to get us out. At that point, it isn't so hard to get ourselves back into the right mindset. However, if we let that discontent continue to breed within our hearts, we dig ourselves deeper, displacing more positivity. Remember, anything positive within us is from God, so when we remove it, we also begin to remove God and the influence that He has in our lives. Again, that makes room for more negative influences.
And it becomes more difficult to climb out of it, because you can't make use of those tools you would normally use to help you. All of those positive influences of God were displaced, so you leave yourself morally destitute and confused. Imagine that I, someone with very poor vision, threw my glasses out. Now, I'm blind and stuck. Maybe the tools that I need are right in front of me or maybe there's a ladder, but I can't see anymore. That's what it's like to remove the influence of God. It blinds us. The tools are there, but we can't make use of them without Him to help us see.
Going back to the driving analogy, also consider how a ditch in our life can cause others to fall. By being negative, we can cause others to follow our lead. We are examples. Like it or not. We were made to lead, and we do, even if we are unaware of it. People are already watching us for what to do and following us for that matter. If I fall into a ditch and you're following me, before I realize it, you might be right next to me. I also don't want to cause further damage if you're already in the midst of an accident. Landing in a ditch will not help your cause. I have a responsibility to the people behind me to make sure that I am not leading them astray. My attitudes, my behaviors, my speech... everything can hinder other people if they are not used in the proper ways. When we create a ditch in our lives, we create one for others too.
So, do you see how a small rut can grow? It becomes a ditch, and it won't stop there. It will just continue to get deeper and harder to get out of. I need to nip this in the bud so that I won't dig myself even deeper. Honestly, I've been there before. It took years to get out of it, and I realize now, more than ever, that I don't have years to waste.
Have you ever created a rut or ditch in your life? How did you get out of it? Are you in the same place as I am right now?
First it starts as a rut, which is a small indent, generally from a tire. Not a big deal, right? It isn't very big at all. It doesn't do much damage. Right? However, the thing about any amount of indention is that it displaces material, leaving room for debris from the environment to land in it. Trash, leaves, rain water. You name it, and it'll most likely find it's way in. So, even though it's small, it begins to collect litter. Not to mention that it's easy to create one. Once the ground gets even a little bit weak or soft from the rain, it doesn't take much pressure at all to create a rut.
How does this relate to our lives? Well, I think of a rut as the chipping away of our defenses, of growing weary, of beginning to let our guards down. We soften ourselves just like the rain softens the ground. We become susceptible to the influences and pressures outside of us. It isn't long before those negative thoughts that used to bounce off of us start to creep into our minds and get rid of the positivity that we once had. It rarely takes much for frustrations and discouragement to displace hope and perseverance. We let our guards down, the difficulties that we face remove the positivity with in us, and from there, the "debris" from around us is welcome. The negativity in the world begins to influence our attitude, our treatment of others, and our relationship with God. But still, it's just a small change, right?
Wrong. A rut in the ground, if the erosion continues further, can become something even bigger. A small indention can turn into a ditch. The biggest problem I find with ditches is that they begin to cause more issues. Often, car accidents are caused by or end in a ditch. Either the driver drives into it or in the midst of an accident, they land in it. And even more so than with a rut, it is hard to get out of one.
The analogy again relates back to us. A rut in our lives can be dealt with early on. When we start to lose hope or get weary, we need to recognize it and ask for God's hand to get us out. At that point, it isn't so hard to get ourselves back into the right mindset. However, if we let that discontent continue to breed within our hearts, we dig ourselves deeper, displacing more positivity. Remember, anything positive within us is from God, so when we remove it, we also begin to remove God and the influence that He has in our lives. Again, that makes room for more negative influences.
And it becomes more difficult to climb out of it, because you can't make use of those tools you would normally use to help you. All of those positive influences of God were displaced, so you leave yourself morally destitute and confused. Imagine that I, someone with very poor vision, threw my glasses out. Now, I'm blind and stuck. Maybe the tools that I need are right in front of me or maybe there's a ladder, but I can't see anymore. That's what it's like to remove the influence of God. It blinds us. The tools are there, but we can't make use of them without Him to help us see.
Going back to the driving analogy, also consider how a ditch in our life can cause others to fall. By being negative, we can cause others to follow our lead. We are examples. Like it or not. We were made to lead, and we do, even if we are unaware of it. People are already watching us for what to do and following us for that matter. If I fall into a ditch and you're following me, before I realize it, you might be right next to me. I also don't want to cause further damage if you're already in the midst of an accident. Landing in a ditch will not help your cause. I have a responsibility to the people behind me to make sure that I am not leading them astray. My attitudes, my behaviors, my speech... everything can hinder other people if they are not used in the proper ways. When we create a ditch in our lives, we create one for others too.
So, do you see how a small rut can grow? It becomes a ditch, and it won't stop there. It will just continue to get deeper and harder to get out of. I need to nip this in the bud so that I won't dig myself even deeper. Honestly, I've been there before. It took years to get out of it, and I realize now, more than ever, that I don't have years to waste.
Have you ever created a rut or ditch in your life? How did you get out of it? Are you in the same place as I am right now?
Thursday, October 4, 2012
I Love Me Not
Today was a struggle. A lot of the time I bottle up how I feel. In fact, I deny it, even to myself. So, there are days in my life where my mind can't take the strain of self-denial any longer, and it just lets loose. It was one of those "hide out in an empty classroom and cry for no reason" days. I just feel so much pressure. Pressure to be perfect, to be someone else, to reach this impossible standard. But the problem is that I don't know who's setting this standard. Who is creating such high expectations for me?
It has to be from myself. My mind tells me that it's everyone else pushing me, but then I think about everyone in my life, and all that I recieve is encouragement. Honestly, people are so generous to me. In love, in kindness, in praise. I don't deserve an ounce of it, yet there it is waiting to build me up. Only it doesn't help. All that encouragement? To me, in my warped mind, it feels like empty flattery. Not because they don't mean it but because I simply can't believe it. So, here I am with these wonderful, accepting people in my life, and I still feel such a burden on my heart all of the time.
Tonight, the message was about self-love. Not the conceited, prideful self-love that breeds selfishness but rather, the kind that comes from knowing who you are in God. And I don't think that it's just about knowing in the sense that we often use it. It has to be about much more. It has to be a knowledge that penetrates our very being. I can know what the Bible says. In fact, I could be able to recite it, but is that true knowledge? No, I think real, absolute knowledge is the kind that is transformative. It changes how you think about yourself, your world, and God. So, knowing who you are in God is less about quoting the scriptures and reciting lines and more about an assurance so strong that chains of insecurity and self-hatred are broken.
That said, I clearly don't know who I am. If I did, I would not feel that way that I do. Now, I understand that being assured in God does not promise a life without struggles. There are triggers that can cause even the strongest to stumble. But this is not so simple. I have never experienced the true knowledge of who I am. I know what I'm supposed to believe, but in searching myself, I find nothing but doubt and disbelief.
I cannot remember a time in my life where perfection was not my goal. I grew up in home where there was so much hate and destruction, and I thought that if I could just be perfect then I would deserve to be loved. I felt like all of the things that happened to me were because of some innate deficiency that I could work to get rid of. I tried so hard to be the "good" one. I didn't want to be the one causing all of the pain. I realize now that I could not have caused the dysfunction in which I grew up. I was simply born into it, something I could not change. Yet, despite this realization, that need to be perfect remains. I cannot break the cycle that only seems to break me.
There is this constant war in my mind. I am tormented by everything I am and everything I'm not. Every mistake that I make resounds in my head, and I mean every last one. I torture myself from morning until night when my exhausted mind gives up the struggle. I feel like a failure 100% of the time. For a lot of my life, this torment took me down some difficult roads, and I dealt with it in the wrong ways, ways that only further destroyed an already broken person. In the past months, as I have been changed by God's love and forgiveness, I have struggled less. Yet, today, it caught up to me.
I drown in my self-hatred. Hatred for what I see in the mirror. Hatred for a person who is mean, judgmental, selfish, and spiteful. Hatred for someone who falls so short in everything she does. As I worked at my music today, I felt so worthless. I questioned my place here at all. I felt called to come here to pursue music. I know this, in part, because I would never do something so bold without God's prodding. But now that I'm here, I realize that I am truly nothing. A nobody. And this feeling should make me more reliant on God to fulfill His promises for my life and to guide me through this desert. Instead, it tempts to be angry with God.
There have been many times in my life in which I have been so angry with God that I nearly left Him entirely. Most of these times revolved around how I view myself. I'd shake my fist at the sky and question God. Why would He make me like He did? Doesn't He know what a mistake He made? Doesn't He know how much pain He has caused? Right now, I feel those same questions welling in my throat. "Why, God?" is the cry of my broken heart. But just as I feel myself sinking into that place, I have to jump back and reassess.
I was there today on that edge. Ready to be angry, to question, to wallow. But the service tonight made me think a lot. Again, who has set such high expectations? Who tells me that I have to be perfect? Who says that I am worthless, incapable, and talentless? I do. I say all of those things and more. It's always me. I'm always the problem, not God. What good does it do to turn against the one that never fails me? That never leaves me. That rescues me from danger, even the danger that I am to myself. What I need to to do is turn away from myself. To die to myself, in order to live in God. And honestly, good riddance to that person. It's so exhausting to keep her around.
My prayer today would be that I take my knowledge of God's love for me and let it transform me. That it would create such a change that self-love would be possible in my life. That God's love would soften and break every wall that has kept me from true belief in Him and His word. And just imagine. If I could love myself, perhaps the hardest person on Earth to love, then how much more I could love others. And that is my heart's desire.
It has to be from myself. My mind tells me that it's everyone else pushing me, but then I think about everyone in my life, and all that I recieve is encouragement. Honestly, people are so generous to me. In love, in kindness, in praise. I don't deserve an ounce of it, yet there it is waiting to build me up. Only it doesn't help. All that encouragement? To me, in my warped mind, it feels like empty flattery. Not because they don't mean it but because I simply can't believe it. So, here I am with these wonderful, accepting people in my life, and I still feel such a burden on my heart all of the time.
Tonight, the message was about self-love. Not the conceited, prideful self-love that breeds selfishness but rather, the kind that comes from knowing who you are in God. And I don't think that it's just about knowing in the sense that we often use it. It has to be about much more. It has to be a knowledge that penetrates our very being. I can know what the Bible says. In fact, I could be able to recite it, but is that true knowledge? No, I think real, absolute knowledge is the kind that is transformative. It changes how you think about yourself, your world, and God. So, knowing who you are in God is less about quoting the scriptures and reciting lines and more about an assurance so strong that chains of insecurity and self-hatred are broken.
That said, I clearly don't know who I am. If I did, I would not feel that way that I do. Now, I understand that being assured in God does not promise a life without struggles. There are triggers that can cause even the strongest to stumble. But this is not so simple. I have never experienced the true knowledge of who I am. I know what I'm supposed to believe, but in searching myself, I find nothing but doubt and disbelief.
I cannot remember a time in my life where perfection was not my goal. I grew up in home where there was so much hate and destruction, and I thought that if I could just be perfect then I would deserve to be loved. I felt like all of the things that happened to me were because of some innate deficiency that I could work to get rid of. I tried so hard to be the "good" one. I didn't want to be the one causing all of the pain. I realize now that I could not have caused the dysfunction in which I grew up. I was simply born into it, something I could not change. Yet, despite this realization, that need to be perfect remains. I cannot break the cycle that only seems to break me.
There is this constant war in my mind. I am tormented by everything I am and everything I'm not. Every mistake that I make resounds in my head, and I mean every last one. I torture myself from morning until night when my exhausted mind gives up the struggle. I feel like a failure 100% of the time. For a lot of my life, this torment took me down some difficult roads, and I dealt with it in the wrong ways, ways that only further destroyed an already broken person. In the past months, as I have been changed by God's love and forgiveness, I have struggled less. Yet, today, it caught up to me.
I drown in my self-hatred. Hatred for what I see in the mirror. Hatred for a person who is mean, judgmental, selfish, and spiteful. Hatred for someone who falls so short in everything she does. As I worked at my music today, I felt so worthless. I questioned my place here at all. I felt called to come here to pursue music. I know this, in part, because I would never do something so bold without God's prodding. But now that I'm here, I realize that I am truly nothing. A nobody. And this feeling should make me more reliant on God to fulfill His promises for my life and to guide me through this desert. Instead, it tempts to be angry with God.
There have been many times in my life in which I have been so angry with God that I nearly left Him entirely. Most of these times revolved around how I view myself. I'd shake my fist at the sky and question God. Why would He make me like He did? Doesn't He know what a mistake He made? Doesn't He know how much pain He has caused? Right now, I feel those same questions welling in my throat. "Why, God?" is the cry of my broken heart. But just as I feel myself sinking into that place, I have to jump back and reassess.
I was there today on that edge. Ready to be angry, to question, to wallow. But the service tonight made me think a lot. Again, who has set such high expectations? Who tells me that I have to be perfect? Who says that I am worthless, incapable, and talentless? I do. I say all of those things and more. It's always me. I'm always the problem, not God. What good does it do to turn against the one that never fails me? That never leaves me. That rescues me from danger, even the danger that I am to myself. What I need to to do is turn away from myself. To die to myself, in order to live in God. And honestly, good riddance to that person. It's so exhausting to keep her around.
My prayer today would be that I take my knowledge of God's love for me and let it transform me. That it would create such a change that self-love would be possible in my life. That God's love would soften and break every wall that has kept me from true belief in Him and His word. And just imagine. If I could love myself, perhaps the hardest person on Earth to love, then how much more I could love others. And that is my heart's desire.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Happy, Happy or Joy, Joy?
Happiness. Why is it so scary?
I had a discussion with my best friend the other day. Everything in her life is just going really well. Of course, there will always be small things on a day to day basis that trip us up. So, we cry a little, maybe scream, and on occasion, we'll throw a thing or two. But those small things generally don't send us into spiralling depression, right? So other than those minor issues, my friend is on a real winning streak. She got a new car, she is hitting a peak in creativity in developing her own business, and she's growing immensely in God. Everything is awesome. But... Of course, that word would creep into her mind. But something bad always happens, right? But things can't go well for long. But this. But that. I asked her why she had to assume the worse, and she had no answer. I told her to let herself be happy, that good things in our lives aren't always a prelude to disaster.
I thought about what I told her and realized that I don't apply the same philosophy to my life. I always, always, always assume the worst. The thing is that I base a lot of my conclusions and assumptions on experience. Just as I learned to believe in gravity by throwing a ball into the air and watching it fall, I've learned that happiness is temporary by my experience of it. I equate it to temperature. It is so affected by everything around it that it is constantly going up and down, constantly altering based on environmental stimuli. Happiness is so inconsistent. It changes with everything I do, hear, see, or experience. And that scares me. You can't rely on something that could be different in the next second.
Right now, everything is perfect. I have a great guy (and yes, it's the one from the previous blog). I am following my dreams. I have amazing friends at college and at home. For the first time in my life, I have more "up" days than "down" days; I laugh more than I cry; and I am thankful more than I complain. So, why does that terrify me? Because of what I said before. Is something bad bound to happen? Can I rely on this newfound happiness? As I asked myself these questions, I was led to ask another of myself: since when do I ever rely on emotions to get me through life?
It's so simple, and it finally clicked. I am a feeler. By that I mean that I feel emotions (not people) very strongly. When I'm sad, I'm really more depressed. Get me some tissues, and keep me away from sharp objects. When I'm angry, I'm pretty much ready to start my career as an assassin, and you better not be the first person that I see. When I'm excited, I sound like a cheerleader, a chihuahua, and and a group of prepubescent middle school girls at a Justin Bieber concert all rolled into one person. So, when I'm happy, I'm happy to the extreme. That means that everytime my circumstances change, so do moods. They go from one extreme to another, never staying anywhere for long. The only thing that I can rely on my emotions to be is unreliable. Happiness is scary, because we can't rely on it.
So then what do I rely on? What can keep me balanced no matter what happens in my life? Call me cheesy or holier-than-thou, but my answer to that question will always be God. God is my constant. God is my balance. God is my consistency.
Last Sunday, we heard a sermon on joy. We won't always be happy, but we can always have the joy that God gives to us through faith in Him and through following His Word. So, when this happiness turns into sadness or anger or fear or even if it remains, I can still find joy in life. This is a fairly foreign concept to me. So, I looked up the word. I found two definitions that struck me.
1. A source of satisfaction
In this case, joy is a thing. God not only gives us joy, but He is that joy. You can find happiness in a lot of things. I personally find it in music, chocolate, and Pretty Little Liars. Yet, these things don't satisfy all of my needs. Joy, however, is satisfaction, and that means complete fulfillment. But you can only find joy and that fulfillment in God, because He is the only source of joy. The joy of the Lord is my strength. Not the joy of anything else.
2. A cause of delight
A joy is something that causes us delight, and Psalm 37:4 tells us to delight in the Lord. Where are we to turn for our delight, for our joy? The Bible is very clear. We are to turn to God to find it, further proof that God is our source and not anything else.
Now, I say these things with one caution. I am not saying that we should rely on joy to sustain us. Joy is an emotion. And we've learned that emotions are unreliable. What I am saying is that God is who sustains us. He is our source, and joy is a result of His presence in our lives. It is reliance in Him that will give us a consistent joy. It doesn't say joy is my strength. It says that the joy of the Lord is my strength. We must always go to Him as our source. In fact, when we do that, we get even more benefits. The Bible talks about love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance as being the fruits evident in our lives when we have the Spirit of God in us. Isn't that exciting?!
What am I getting at? I'm glad you asked!
Point #1: Emotions are unreliable.
Point #2: We must rely fully on God for everything.
Point #3: Joy and the presence of the other fruits is a direct result of reliance on God.
I had a discussion with my best friend the other day. Everything in her life is just going really well. Of course, there will always be small things on a day to day basis that trip us up. So, we cry a little, maybe scream, and on occasion, we'll throw a thing or two. But those small things generally don't send us into spiralling depression, right? So other than those minor issues, my friend is on a real winning streak. She got a new car, she is hitting a peak in creativity in developing her own business, and she's growing immensely in God. Everything is awesome. But... Of course, that word would creep into her mind. But something bad always happens, right? But things can't go well for long. But this. But that. I asked her why she had to assume the worse, and she had no answer. I told her to let herself be happy, that good things in our lives aren't always a prelude to disaster.
I thought about what I told her and realized that I don't apply the same philosophy to my life. I always, always, always assume the worst. The thing is that I base a lot of my conclusions and assumptions on experience. Just as I learned to believe in gravity by throwing a ball into the air and watching it fall, I've learned that happiness is temporary by my experience of it. I equate it to temperature. It is so affected by everything around it that it is constantly going up and down, constantly altering based on environmental stimuli. Happiness is so inconsistent. It changes with everything I do, hear, see, or experience. And that scares me. You can't rely on something that could be different in the next second.
Right now, everything is perfect. I have a great guy (and yes, it's the one from the previous blog). I am following my dreams. I have amazing friends at college and at home. For the first time in my life, I have more "up" days than "down" days; I laugh more than I cry; and I am thankful more than I complain. So, why does that terrify me? Because of what I said before. Is something bad bound to happen? Can I rely on this newfound happiness? As I asked myself these questions, I was led to ask another of myself: since when do I ever rely on emotions to get me through life?
It's so simple, and it finally clicked. I am a feeler. By that I mean that I feel emotions (not people) very strongly. When I'm sad, I'm really more depressed. Get me some tissues, and keep me away from sharp objects. When I'm angry, I'm pretty much ready to start my career as an assassin, and you better not be the first person that I see. When I'm excited, I sound like a cheerleader, a chihuahua, and and a group of prepubescent middle school girls at a Justin Bieber concert all rolled into one person. So, when I'm happy, I'm happy to the extreme. That means that everytime my circumstances change, so do moods. They go from one extreme to another, never staying anywhere for long. The only thing that I can rely on my emotions to be is unreliable. Happiness is scary, because we can't rely on it.
So then what do I rely on? What can keep me balanced no matter what happens in my life? Call me cheesy or holier-than-thou, but my answer to that question will always be God. God is my constant. God is my balance. God is my consistency.
Last Sunday, we heard a sermon on joy. We won't always be happy, but we can always have the joy that God gives to us through faith in Him and through following His Word. So, when this happiness turns into sadness or anger or fear or even if it remains, I can still find joy in life. This is a fairly foreign concept to me. So, I looked up the word. I found two definitions that struck me.
1. A source of satisfaction
In this case, joy is a thing. God not only gives us joy, but He is that joy. You can find happiness in a lot of things. I personally find it in music, chocolate, and Pretty Little Liars. Yet, these things don't satisfy all of my needs. Joy, however, is satisfaction, and that means complete fulfillment. But you can only find joy and that fulfillment in God, because He is the only source of joy. The joy of the Lord is my strength. Not the joy of anything else.
2. A cause of delight
A joy is something that causes us delight, and Psalm 37:4 tells us to delight in the Lord. Where are we to turn for our delight, for our joy? The Bible is very clear. We are to turn to God to find it, further proof that God is our source and not anything else.
Now, I say these things with one caution. I am not saying that we should rely on joy to sustain us. Joy is an emotion. And we've learned that emotions are unreliable. What I am saying is that God is who sustains us. He is our source, and joy is a result of His presence in our lives. It is reliance in Him that will give us a consistent joy. It doesn't say joy is my strength. It says that the joy of the Lord is my strength. We must always go to Him as our source. In fact, when we do that, we get even more benefits. The Bible talks about love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance as being the fruits evident in our lives when we have the Spirit of God in us. Isn't that exciting?!
What am I getting at? I'm glad you asked!
Point #1: Emotions are unreliable.
Point #2: We must rely fully on God for everything.
Point #3: Joy and the presence of the other fruits is a direct result of reliance on God.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Godly Confidence
One thing I know that inspired me was a book called Do Hard
Things by Alex and Brett Harris. It has made me realized just how much our
generation limits itself. We have so much potential in Christ to do amazing
things in this world.
Sometimes, I'm guilty of looking at famous musicians, actors, athletes, and even politicians and giving them extraordinary qualities. I envy them, because there is just something about them that sets them apart from the rest of humanity. In my mind, I make them untouchable, unreachable. But you know what? They are just like you and I. As cliche as that sounds, they really are just human beings like the rest of us. What sets them apart? THEY do. Yes, they have talent, but so do you and I. Everyone has something that they excel at. Those select that we look up to as our heroes simply choose to put in that extra effort. I doubt they were born with a guitar in their hand or running shoes on their feet. It took hardwork and vision. And you know how it all started? Taking that first, scary step.
Taking that first step is what I want to talk about. For a while now, I've felt as though there is so much more I could do. I have this passion, this desire to reach the world, but if I let this passion fizzle out without actually doing anything, then it's wasted. Part of that first step is pursuing what I believe God has called me to do: music. In deciding where to go now that I've seen God's vision for my life, I've faced a lot of inner conflict. You see, when you stand up and decide to pursue God's plan for your life, this is when the tests are going to come. Tests to see if you're willing to fully trust in God and step out in faith. Through those tests, I've learned a few things. In this blog, I'll start out with my first big lesson.
1. Finding Godly Confidence
For the past two years of college, I've tried many different majors: biology, psychology, social work, etc. None of them quite fit, but one thing has always remained constant, my love for music. I have always dreamed of being a musician, but I never thought it was possible. I play a lot of instruments, but I don't really know a lot of music theory. I've always kind of taught myself. When I first realized what God was calling me to do, I dismissed it saying "God, you know I'm not good enough. How could I ever succeed?" I put all of my confidence in myself and found that there wasn't much to be confident in at all. I was right about one thing. I'm not good enough.
In Philippians 3, Paul talks about "those who put no confidence in the flesh." The flesh? What does that mean? Well, the way I think of it is that the "flesh" means our body. We each have three parts: body, soul, and spirit. The soul is fed by our emotions, the spirit is fed by our relationship with God, and the body is fed by not only by food but also, the urges or desires that are of the world and not of God. By putting confidence in the flesh, we are putting our confidence in the things of this world to satsify our needs and not in God. Did you ever notice that material things always get lost or broken? That people leave or let you down? That the economy fails? All of these things, these "temporary trappings of this world", will never be reliable.
The good news is that we don't have to rely on those things. Paul also talked about those "who boast in Christ Jesus." A boast is something you possess, something you can have pride in, and to have pride is to have a sense of personal self-worth. When we can boast in Christ, we have a reason to be confident in ourselves. We have the creator of the universe, the King of Kings himself, to rely on for everything we need, to make our dreams a reality. He will never let us down or fail. He is a constant in which we can put our confidence. And guess what? That same power, through which God does everything, is in us when we accept Him into our lives and begin to follow Him. With the power of God within you, you can accomplish things that you never would have dreamed of doing. Let Him use you!
In ourselves and in this world, we really have nothing to be confident about, but in God, we can have full confidence. So, if there's something that God's calling you to do, whether it's taking that first step to start a relationship with Him or if it's following His plan for your future, like I am, then have confidence in Him. Sometimes, we worry way too much. If you are confident in something, you know for a fact that it will meet your expectations. When we worry, we show just how unconfident we can be. But God says to us in Matthew 6: 25-27, "Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"
I love these verses, because they are so true. What does worrying really do for us but waste time? God has everything under control. Our job is to trust Him for everything. Is there something you need? Ask Him! Have confidence that He can provide for you. Right now, all I can do is trust that God will direct my path and give me the skills I need to succeed. After all, if this is in His will, then He won't leave me with nothing. He equips those who follow after Him. Believe for that!
Take Home Message: Put all of your confidence in God and nothing or nobody else. This is TRUE confidence.
Sometimes, I'm guilty of looking at famous musicians, actors, athletes, and even politicians and giving them extraordinary qualities. I envy them, because there is just something about them that sets them apart from the rest of humanity. In my mind, I make them untouchable, unreachable. But you know what? They are just like you and I. As cliche as that sounds, they really are just human beings like the rest of us. What sets them apart? THEY do. Yes, they have talent, but so do you and I. Everyone has something that they excel at. Those select that we look up to as our heroes simply choose to put in that extra effort. I doubt they were born with a guitar in their hand or running shoes on their feet. It took hardwork and vision. And you know how it all started? Taking that first, scary step.
Taking that first step is what I want to talk about. For a while now, I've felt as though there is so much more I could do. I have this passion, this desire to reach the world, but if I let this passion fizzle out without actually doing anything, then it's wasted. Part of that first step is pursuing what I believe God has called me to do: music. In deciding where to go now that I've seen God's vision for my life, I've faced a lot of inner conflict. You see, when you stand up and decide to pursue God's plan for your life, this is when the tests are going to come. Tests to see if you're willing to fully trust in God and step out in faith. Through those tests, I've learned a few things. In this blog, I'll start out with my first big lesson.
1. Finding Godly Confidence
For the past two years of college, I've tried many different majors: biology, psychology, social work, etc. None of them quite fit, but one thing has always remained constant, my love for music. I have always dreamed of being a musician, but I never thought it was possible. I play a lot of instruments, but I don't really know a lot of music theory. I've always kind of taught myself. When I first realized what God was calling me to do, I dismissed it saying "God, you know I'm not good enough. How could I ever succeed?" I put all of my confidence in myself and found that there wasn't much to be confident in at all. I was right about one thing. I'm not good enough.
In Philippians 3, Paul talks about "those who put no confidence in the flesh." The flesh? What does that mean? Well, the way I think of it is that the "flesh" means our body. We each have three parts: body, soul, and spirit. The soul is fed by our emotions, the spirit is fed by our relationship with God, and the body is fed by not only by food but also, the urges or desires that are of the world and not of God. By putting confidence in the flesh, we are putting our confidence in the things of this world to satsify our needs and not in God. Did you ever notice that material things always get lost or broken? That people leave or let you down? That the economy fails? All of these things, these "temporary trappings of this world", will never be reliable.
The good news is that we don't have to rely on those things. Paul also talked about those "who boast in Christ Jesus." A boast is something you possess, something you can have pride in, and to have pride is to have a sense of personal self-worth. When we can boast in Christ, we have a reason to be confident in ourselves. We have the creator of the universe, the King of Kings himself, to rely on for everything we need, to make our dreams a reality. He will never let us down or fail. He is a constant in which we can put our confidence. And guess what? That same power, through which God does everything, is in us when we accept Him into our lives and begin to follow Him. With the power of God within you, you can accomplish things that you never would have dreamed of doing. Let Him use you!
In ourselves and in this world, we really have nothing to be confident about, but in God, we can have full confidence. So, if there's something that God's calling you to do, whether it's taking that first step to start a relationship with Him or if it's following His plan for your future, like I am, then have confidence in Him. Sometimes, we worry way too much. If you are confident in something, you know for a fact that it will meet your expectations. When we worry, we show just how unconfident we can be. But God says to us in Matthew 6: 25-27, "Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"
I love these verses, because they are so true. What does worrying really do for us but waste time? God has everything under control. Our job is to trust Him for everything. Is there something you need? Ask Him! Have confidence that He can provide for you. Right now, all I can do is trust that God will direct my path and give me the skills I need to succeed. After all, if this is in His will, then He won't leave me with nothing. He equips those who follow after Him. Believe for that!
Take Home Message: Put all of your confidence in God and nothing or nobody else. This is TRUE confidence.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Fearless?
I just watched the movie He's Just Not That Into You, and I've realized something about myself; I am committment-phobic.
Let me just explain a bit. I am a romantic. I torture myself with Nicholas Sparks and other sappy movies/books. I love the idea of love, of surrendering your entire self to another person. When I'm watching that happen on the big screen, it doesn't seem so scary. It seems exhilerating and wonderful. Even in my daydreams, that kind of love is what I desire. Yet, in real life, I don't know if I can do it.
Over the past year or so, I have actually gotten male attention. I don't know what suddenly woke up the mysterious other sex, but something did. Now, this is not to say that I've been asked out. I haven't. I've just been noticed more, which is always ego-boosting. In the past, I haven't exactly been ignored, but the treatment I've received from men has been less than romantic. In fact, it bordered on ridicule. I'm just not the fish that men want to catch. I'm that funny-looking fish that they happen to see in the water and decide to mess with. Certainly not what they intend to hook. But now? I'm somehow less revolting.
Don't get me wrong. It's really nice to be noticed, but when I find that happening, something inside of me cries out, "Be careful!" Or at least that's what I've always thought it was saying. Now, I'm not so sure. If I were simply trying to be careful, I don't think I'd feel how I do right now. You see, there may or may not be a potential guy on the homefront. I don't really know if anything would ever happen or if he'd ever ask me out. All I know is that if he did, I'd be terrified.
I don't quite understand this fear. I am generally pretty fearless. I mean, I've been through so many terrifying things in my life, things that actually threatened my life, yet the idea of a guy liking me is what scares me. What is that? So, I've been trying to figure out why I'm so afraid--not just of this guy, of any guy in general.
Fear #1: Rejection
I think part of the problem is that I won't ever 100% believe that any guy likes me. I don't say any of this to put myself down. I'm just being honest. I have been rejected by guys my entire life. I was ridiculed in middle school and high school for my appearance, particularly my weight, and I don't think that I ever really got over that. No, I don't sit around and wallow about it. That would be stupid. I did, however, lose a lot of faith in men. Really, I lost a lot of faith in people.
Rejection is cyclic. Others reject you->You reject you->You isolate yourself from others, because you feel rejected and even like you deserve to be rejected->Others feel rejected and, in turn, reject you. It's a never ending circle. A circle in which I live my life. This is why I'm so high-maintenance. People try so hard to show that they care for me and want me around, but I just can't believe them. It seems so farfetched to me. I can't ever commit to relationships, because I'm too afraid to trust. Too afraid that they're lying. Too afraid that they'll suddenly see what they missed at first and then, hightail it out of there. I don't want to be rejected, so I become the rejecter.
Fear #2: Intimacy
I hate other people knowing how I feel. It's too much vulnerability. Why is that bad? Because I'm afraid that they won't understand me or that they'll use it against me. That's part of it, but mostly, I'm just afraid to get in too deep. Once you open yourself up like that, you can really set yourself up for heartache. I, like most people, want to avoid pain at all costs. What if they change their mind about me? There I go, back to the fear of rejection.
I don't want to be intimate, because that means that I'm people know things about me. They know that hidden part of me that used to be mine. They have the control now. I hate not knowing what others think. When I control what they know about me, I can also control, to an extent, the array of things they can think about me. If they never see an emotion, would it make sense for them to call me emotional? No. You come to conclusions about others based on observations, so I am very calculating in what I let others see. I need that control over their perception, and intimacy steals it from me.
Fear #3: Skeletons
I have a past. I know, everyone has one, and every one is different. But I wonder if mine is too dark, if there is just too much baggage. The things I've done and experienced? There is no way anyone could accept me. And that's the thing, you have to be entirely honest in a relationship. That's the intimacy I was talking about. So, you can't avoid revealing those skeletons, because eventually, that guy is going to open the closet himself and find them. Might as well tell him beforehand.
But I'm afraid that my past will be too much for a guy and for anyone for that matter. And my past has greatly affected who I am today, so if my past is too much for him to handle then so am I. In fact, my past leaks into my present sometimes. It doesn't always remain where it belongs. It's always there overshadowing me. Secrets are called skeletons for a reason. They're well hidden, but they're always there. They shape your body. Our pasts do the same thing. What if my skeletons scare him off?
Fear #4: Settling
I am insecure. If you didn't notice it before, I have confidence and self-esteem issues. The things that contribute to those issues also make me feel like I have to be with the first guy who actually likes me and treats me well. This is a problem. Like I said, I'm that hopeless romantic. I want that breathtaking romance from the movies. Or at least, I want some passion. But what if I never feel that for someone, because I settle too early? I'm so afraid that I'll jump at the first offer and be making a huge mistake.
I'm the type of person that wants to be with one person her entire life. I don't want to try things out with a bunch of guys. I just want one relationship. I know that's unlikely, but I also think it'll save me a lot of trouble in the long run. The problem is...how do I know who is right? How do I know I'm not just settling, because I'm insecure or impatient?
Fear #5: Committment
This one encapsulates them all. I'm afraid to be rejected, to be intimate, to reveal my skeletons, and to settle for the wrong person. All of these fears lead to my committment-phobia. How can I commit to someone with all these fears? So, I don't. When someone likes me, it's nice at first, but then, I run. I don't explain. I just run. Or I get mean. I guess that's immature, but I don't know what else to do. Fear is an extremely strong emotion. How do you control it? Or overcome it? I don't know if I'll ever be with anyone, because I'm so skiddish and fearful. And really, it's sad that fear would hinder the most life-altering, wonderful experience I might ever have the opportunity to have.
But what can I do?
Let me just explain a bit. I am a romantic. I torture myself with Nicholas Sparks and other sappy movies/books. I love the idea of love, of surrendering your entire self to another person. When I'm watching that happen on the big screen, it doesn't seem so scary. It seems exhilerating and wonderful. Even in my daydreams, that kind of love is what I desire. Yet, in real life, I don't know if I can do it.
Over the past year or so, I have actually gotten male attention. I don't know what suddenly woke up the mysterious other sex, but something did. Now, this is not to say that I've been asked out. I haven't. I've just been noticed more, which is always ego-boosting. In the past, I haven't exactly been ignored, but the treatment I've received from men has been less than romantic. In fact, it bordered on ridicule. I'm just not the fish that men want to catch. I'm that funny-looking fish that they happen to see in the water and decide to mess with. Certainly not what they intend to hook. But now? I'm somehow less revolting.
Don't get me wrong. It's really nice to be noticed, but when I find that happening, something inside of me cries out, "Be careful!" Or at least that's what I've always thought it was saying. Now, I'm not so sure. If I were simply trying to be careful, I don't think I'd feel how I do right now. You see, there may or may not be a potential guy on the homefront. I don't really know if anything would ever happen or if he'd ever ask me out. All I know is that if he did, I'd be terrified.
I don't quite understand this fear. I am generally pretty fearless. I mean, I've been through so many terrifying things in my life, things that actually threatened my life, yet the idea of a guy liking me is what scares me. What is that? So, I've been trying to figure out why I'm so afraid--not just of this guy, of any guy in general.
Fear #1: Rejection
I think part of the problem is that I won't ever 100% believe that any guy likes me. I don't say any of this to put myself down. I'm just being honest. I have been rejected by guys my entire life. I was ridiculed in middle school and high school for my appearance, particularly my weight, and I don't think that I ever really got over that. No, I don't sit around and wallow about it. That would be stupid. I did, however, lose a lot of faith in men. Really, I lost a lot of faith in people.
Rejection is cyclic. Others reject you->You reject you->You isolate yourself from others, because you feel rejected and even like you deserve to be rejected->Others feel rejected and, in turn, reject you. It's a never ending circle. A circle in which I live my life. This is why I'm so high-maintenance. People try so hard to show that they care for me and want me around, but I just can't believe them. It seems so farfetched to me. I can't ever commit to relationships, because I'm too afraid to trust. Too afraid that they're lying. Too afraid that they'll suddenly see what they missed at first and then, hightail it out of there. I don't want to be rejected, so I become the rejecter.
Fear #2: Intimacy
I hate other people knowing how I feel. It's too much vulnerability. Why is that bad? Because I'm afraid that they won't understand me or that they'll use it against me. That's part of it, but mostly, I'm just afraid to get in too deep. Once you open yourself up like that, you can really set yourself up for heartache. I, like most people, want to avoid pain at all costs. What if they change their mind about me? There I go, back to the fear of rejection.
I don't want to be intimate, because that means that I'm people know things about me. They know that hidden part of me that used to be mine. They have the control now. I hate not knowing what others think. When I control what they know about me, I can also control, to an extent, the array of things they can think about me. If they never see an emotion, would it make sense for them to call me emotional? No. You come to conclusions about others based on observations, so I am very calculating in what I let others see. I need that control over their perception, and intimacy steals it from me.
Fear #3: Skeletons
I have a past. I know, everyone has one, and every one is different. But I wonder if mine is too dark, if there is just too much baggage. The things I've done and experienced? There is no way anyone could accept me. And that's the thing, you have to be entirely honest in a relationship. That's the intimacy I was talking about. So, you can't avoid revealing those skeletons, because eventually, that guy is going to open the closet himself and find them. Might as well tell him beforehand.
But I'm afraid that my past will be too much for a guy and for anyone for that matter. And my past has greatly affected who I am today, so if my past is too much for him to handle then so am I. In fact, my past leaks into my present sometimes. It doesn't always remain where it belongs. It's always there overshadowing me. Secrets are called skeletons for a reason. They're well hidden, but they're always there. They shape your body. Our pasts do the same thing. What if my skeletons scare him off?
Fear #4: Settling
I am insecure. If you didn't notice it before, I have confidence and self-esteem issues. The things that contribute to those issues also make me feel like I have to be with the first guy who actually likes me and treats me well. This is a problem. Like I said, I'm that hopeless romantic. I want that breathtaking romance from the movies. Or at least, I want some passion. But what if I never feel that for someone, because I settle too early? I'm so afraid that I'll jump at the first offer and be making a huge mistake.
I'm the type of person that wants to be with one person her entire life. I don't want to try things out with a bunch of guys. I just want one relationship. I know that's unlikely, but I also think it'll save me a lot of trouble in the long run. The problem is...how do I know who is right? How do I know I'm not just settling, because I'm insecure or impatient?
Fear #5: Committment
This one encapsulates them all. I'm afraid to be rejected, to be intimate, to reveal my skeletons, and to settle for the wrong person. All of these fears lead to my committment-phobia. How can I commit to someone with all these fears? So, I don't. When someone likes me, it's nice at first, but then, I run. I don't explain. I just run. Or I get mean. I guess that's immature, but I don't know what else to do. Fear is an extremely strong emotion. How do you control it? Or overcome it? I don't know if I'll ever be with anyone, because I'm so skiddish and fearful. And really, it's sad that fear would hinder the most life-altering, wonderful experience I might ever have the opportunity to have.
But what can I do?
This I Believe
I believe in love.
This week, we heard about Hosea and his wife, a prime example of God's love. God told Hosea to marry and to love this woman, a prostitute. Yes, a prostitute. And while the world would look down on such a women, he did love her. He pursued her with the same love with which God pursues us. The same love with which we should pursue God and each other. You see, this love that I believe in is not spelled "Love"; it is spelled "God." The Bible says that God is love, and if I'm pursuing God, if I'm trying to become more like Him, then my love should be Godly. But what does that mean? What is Godly love? Well, in my limited human understanding, I'd say that means it's unconditional. Endless. Selfless. Gracious. Passionate. Sacrificial. This love that I believe in has no boundaries or requirements. When I show you my love, I want to show you my God.
Yet, I fail so many times at this. My love is conditional. My love changes and wavers as if blown by the wind. With each change of mood, with each new interaction, and with each new person I see, my love is altered. You treat me poorly? I love you less. You don't meet my standards? I love you less. You don't love me? I love you less. That isn't love. God's answers are so very different. I treat God poorly? He loves me the same. I don't meet God's standards? He loves me the same. I don't love God? He loves me the same. How can I receive such grace so freely, yet refuse to offer the same grace to others just as freely? I don't deserve to be loved. I am wretched. I am nothing. I am sin itself. Yet, God loves me.
So, this is an apology to God, to the world, to everyone that I claim to love. I am not loving. I pretend that I am, but in reality, I don't even understand the word. So, I am sorry. The good news? God still loves me despite me, and He gives me His grace through which I can be made new. His mercies are new every morning, so today and everyday, I can try again to show love. I will fail, but I promise to try.
This week, we heard about Hosea and his wife, a prime example of God's love. God told Hosea to marry and to love this woman, a prostitute. Yes, a prostitute. And while the world would look down on such a women, he did love her. He pursued her with the same love with which God pursues us. The same love with which we should pursue God and each other. You see, this love that I believe in is not spelled "Love"; it is spelled "God." The Bible says that God is love, and if I'm pursuing God, if I'm trying to become more like Him, then my love should be Godly. But what does that mean? What is Godly love? Well, in my limited human understanding, I'd say that means it's unconditional. Endless. Selfless. Gracious. Passionate. Sacrificial. This love that I believe in has no boundaries or requirements. When I show you my love, I want to show you my God.
Yet, I fail so many times at this. My love is conditional. My love changes and wavers as if blown by the wind. With each change of mood, with each new interaction, and with each new person I see, my love is altered. You treat me poorly? I love you less. You don't meet my standards? I love you less. You don't love me? I love you less. That isn't love. God's answers are so very different. I treat God poorly? He loves me the same. I don't meet God's standards? He loves me the same. I don't love God? He loves me the same. How can I receive such grace so freely, yet refuse to offer the same grace to others just as freely? I don't deserve to be loved. I am wretched. I am nothing. I am sin itself. Yet, God loves me.
So, this is an apology to God, to the world, to everyone that I claim to love. I am not loving. I pretend that I am, but in reality, I don't even understand the word. So, I am sorry. The good news? God still loves me despite me, and He gives me His grace through which I can be made new. His mercies are new every morning, so today and everyday, I can try again to show love. I will fail, but I promise to try.
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