November 11th will mark the third anniversary of the death of my older brother, Nate. So, with less than two weeks until this anniversary, my mind has been flooded with memories and a lot of reflection on life in general. It also reminds me of the death of my youth leader, Leroy, this past January. Both of these events were those core-shaking, life-altering kinds of moments that you never forget. And the wounds from both are still so fresh that it hurts to really think about them.
I took the time last night to consider my brother's life and my relationship with him for the first time in over a year. I tend to push it aside and pretend that it isn't a part of who I am, but without this event or my brother, I would not be me at all. I don't really feel the need to go into detail about our relationship. If you ask, I'll tell you, but as this is a public forum, I don't feel that it's entirely appropriate. I will say that it was a tumultuous one, as was my brother's life in general. He was just so angry and hurting. I never quite figured out why or what that had to do with me, but I did notice one glaring difference between the two of us. He didn't follow God.
Now, you can call me a Jesus freak or whatever you'd like, but it is my firm belief that God is the only way to have an abundant life. And Nate, well, he knew of God. He'd grown up in church, he learned the stories, and I think that deep down, he might've loved God in some way, but he didn't have the relationship. This difference was evident in the way he lived his entire life. Unfortunately, I am left with the regret and guilt of not ensuring his salvation. Right, I know, it was his choice. But imagine truly having no idea whether a loved one went to Heaven or Hell. I like to believe in a merciful God that sees the heart, but I don't know the final state of Nate's heart either, and I wish that I had tried harder to help him find God.
I think what breaks my heart is that Nate had so much potential. He was so smart and hilarious. He could have been a famous scientist or a famous comedian, either way, he had that charisma and genius that is so rare. And imagine if he had put that charisma and genius into the kingdom of God. He could've made such a difference. He could have had joy and happiness in Christ, but instead, he lived a hard, sad life. So short a life, but so full of pain. It shouldn't have been that way. It breaks my heart.
Now, Leroy, he was the greatest person that I ever met or will probably meet. He was so funny, loving, Godly, intelligent, etc. If the church is the body, then he was the heart. And that's how it feels without him, like we're missing our heart. I can only imagine how his four young daughters,wife, sisters, parents, nieces, and nephews feel without him. I spend a lot of time with them when I'm in PA, and I can see the heartbreak. I know how heartbroken I am, so I can't even fathom their heartbreak.
But the difference, again, between Nate's life and Leroy's was God. Leroy had this joy and happiness that I have never seen in anyone else. I know that he is rejoicing in Heaven without a doubt. Nate did not have joy or happiness, at least, not beyond the surface. God makes all the difference in this life and where we end up in the next. I have this peace with Leroy's death that I never have found with Nate's. I think it's because I know where he is and that he was ready.
I keep listening to the song "Where I Belong" by Building 429 on repeat. It basically says that this world isn't our home. We are made for Heaven, and this life is just a temporary holding place for that greater paradise. It's an important song for a couple of reasons.
Three days before Leroy died, we went to Winter Jam, where Building 429 played. It's basically a huge event with an assortment of Christian artists. It's pretty fun. But I was standing beside him during the event, and when they played "Where I Belong", I remember being in awe of his sincerity in singing the words. Like he knew that he wasn't meant for this world and that he would be home soon. After it was over, I heard him turn and say to his oldest daughter, "Lauren, this is not where I belong." He said it playfully, but I know he was serious. It's something I will never forget experiencing. I can still hear him singing the words, "All I know is I'm not home yet. This is not where I belong. Take this world, and give me Jesus. This is not where I belong." He meant it with his entire self, and I can only wish to mean that like he did.
It's also something I've been thinking a lot about lately. I see so much pain in this world, and I experience a lot of pain. Not any more than anyone else, but sometimes it gets overwhelming. No one can dispute the fact that this world is not the greatest place to live. And I remember in the midst of some of my most difficult experiences just asking God to take me away. This world is so full of suffering that it's gets exhausting. But this song inspires me so much.
I don't think that in writing the lyrics, the writers meant it to be a plea to die. No, I think it's meant to help us realize that even in this world, we can have a piece of the other world. That's what Jesus did for us. This suffering, this terrible pain, is not what we have to define our lives by. We can have the abundant life that God intended for us even before we die. We can have joy and happiness like Leroy did. And beyond abundant life here, we have hope in knowing that we haven't even made it to our home yet. One day, we will finally be where we belong. There's a reason this place is so hard to fit into; it isn't where we belong.
It gives me hope. One, because Leroy is finally where he belongs, and in that, we can rejoice. Two, because even though Nate never experienced that abundant life and may not be in Heaven, I can learn from his life. I can be different. For a long time, I let his death ruin my life. It destroyed me. But now, I realize that it should be a lesson more than anything. I want what Leroy had. I want what God has for me here, but I want to be so found in God that if I died, I would know not only that I was going to Heaven but that I would finally be going home. I don't want to be attached to anything of this world, because none of it matters. And once I am entirely found in God, that joy and happiness will follow.
Even beyond Heaven, I belong in God. He is my hiding place, my refuge, and my shelter. He is my home, so even in this world, I can have a taste of home through Him. And I don't need anything else to satisfy me.
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