Lost Cause

I don't exactly know what's wrong with me today. I have been doing exceptionally well lately considering how much I usually struggle. But man, this evening has included a lot of tears, a lot of full-on weeping. It could be the episode of One Tree Hill I just watched, because I do get pretty involved in their lives. But I don't know. It's something else. I think watching it just triggered something.

When I think of what it's like for me at my darkest moments, what I see is a little girl curled up on the floor, crying and afraid. That was me sometimes when I was little, and Nate and my parents were fighting. Or I had locked my bedroom door for protection, and Nate was using a screwdriver to break into it. I can hear the banging and yelling and the shaking door handle on the other side. And I can see the slits of light pouring in from the moon outside of my windows. And I can feel the rough carpeting and smell the dust that has settled under the dresser beside my head. I can feel the beating of my heart and the desperation of my breathing. But most of all, I feel the weight of life pressing on my body, and even with the inevitable danger, I want to fall asleep. It takes everything out of me, the weight does, and I have nothing left to fight with. I don't care what happens to me, just as long as I can sleep.

This is me sometimes, even though Nate is long gone. I feel that weight of life, and I don't care about what I do or what others do or anything else. I just want to sleep. I feel the weight of my future, of all the decisions that I'm forced to make even though I have the aptitude for life of a five year old. Who ever thought I could handle anything on my own was very optimistic but ultimately, very wrong indeed. I feel the weight of my past, of everything that has been done to me, of everything I have done and cannot ever forget or forgive, of everything that remains a secret in my tired brain, because who really cares about any of it? I am so sick of being needy. I am done needing. I feel the weight of everything I am not and never will be, of everything I am expected to be that I cannot live up to, of everything that others see me as even though it is far from true, and of everything I wish I was and hate myself for not being. I feel the weight of this broken, corrupt ball of planet that has no hope of improving, of all the violence and hatred and pain and sickness and death that everyone experiences every day. I feel the weight of my emptiness and such an unfounded sense of loneliness that comes from all of this unfounded pain inside of me.

This weight never lifts, and I think I deserve that much. I deserve it, but I cannot handle it much longer. I am a totally lost cause. I just wish everyone else could see it, because once my worst fear is recognized,--to end up alone and unloved--then I can sleep for real.

I try to sleep in this life, but it gets harder and harder. I struggle to fall asleep every night and am exhausted all of the time. When I do fall asleep, this war in my mind causes my sleep paralysis to get worse and worse. My mind wakes up, but I cannot move my body. It is the worst terror I have ever felt, because along with it, comes the sensation of suffocating and hallucinations. It is not a new thing in my life, but I don't know what is breaking inside of me that is making it worse. Still, I know it has something to do with all of this weight. It is stealing the one thing that lightens the load. I need to sleep again soon. I am so tired in every way. I need help, but there is none, and I am done being needy. I am a lost cause, I am afraid.