Thoughts

Nate loved Christmas. If he could experience joy, this was his day to feel it. Don't worry though; this isn't going to be one of those annoying, woe-is-me-my-brother-is-dead kind of posts. I just think that he was lucky to get out of here while he could.

Don't get me wrong. I love Christmas. I do love God and am thankful for His Son. I am thankful for all of the material things that I got today, things that I didn't ask for but that my loved ones clearly put thought into picking out for me. I am so blessed, so spoiled. I am glad to be with my parents today, that they are both alive and getting along today. I am thankful that my living brother is doing well and has a great girlfriend and a son that is "growing up way too fast"--a cliche I am contracted to use as an Aunt. I am thankful. I am, I am, I am.

What I mean when I say Nate was lucky is that he doesn't have to be so afraid. Even though it is my favorite time of year, Christmastime, I would give all of this up if I could just not be so afraid. I am on this precipice that will decide the rest of my life, seemingly, and I have no idea what to do. It seems to me that standing on a ledge gives you a plethora of choices. Well, really, it is one choice--falling--with a bunch of ways that it can be done. How will I fall exactly? Will I drown debt? Will I alienate everyone that I love? Will lupus take me down? Will I get crippled or better, die, in a car accident? Will I kill myself out of desperation?

I don't know the answer to that, but it's coming. And who will peel my splattered body off of the rock below? My greatest fear is that I will lie there for the buzzards to devour. You see, I have built these tight walls around me. I have parents. I have a church family. I have great friends. I have God. But I also have these walls. Now, I don't regret building them. When my life was most unsafe, they protected me from inner destruction. They had their purpose, of course. But now, I am irreparably cut-off from these resources around me. Who will pick me up? Who could I even ask?

I am thankful for the people who have picked me up many times in my life. My best friends. But I am supposed to be an adult. All these people around me are falling in love, getting married, having children, starting careers, and building their lives. I can't rely on them. I will not be a part of their lives, and I can't piggyback on them or burden them, just because I'm a sad girl.  I am supposed to learn how to pick myself up, alone. Well, actually, most people find someone to build a life with, someone to lean on. That is something I will not have. So, yes, I am supposed to know how to do this thing alone. And I don't.

That fear I was talking about? It comes from a scared, lonely little girl. One who never felt safe. One who was made to feel like a burden. One who never felt loved or cherished or wanted. And now that girl has people in her life who indicate to her that she should feel. Loved. Cherished. Wanted. But she doesn't know how to believe it. The walls don't let those things in anymore. She is safe. But she is alone. How can anyone really convince her otherwise, because those beautiful people don't see inside her walls. They don't see how dark it really became. How hopeless and numb and empty. They never see it all. No one could handle that. No one should have to.

You know what I have always wanted? To start my own family. To get a second chance at that. But people like me don't last long. Even if a man could just look past the ogre, all he would find is darkness. And a girl who can't have children. A girl with more scars than she can count, and my guess is that he wouldn't kiss them and make it better. He would be horrified. He would run.

I am not trying to complain or throw some pity party. I am just so scared, and I don't know how else to get that fear out. I just don't want to be alone, but the truth is, darkness and walls will always keep me isolated. You might ask, but don't you want to see light, to get better? Yea, I do. And I try. But until I can break out of this box, I will always live in darkness. And I don't have the strength or the equipment or the energy. I could ask for help, and I have. But no one here knows about the box or the darkness. No matter how many times I break a board, I will come back here and find myself inside these walls again, because I have built their vision of me on illusions and lies. They can never know, and I can never be free.

I like this song. I feel it. Don't worry. I won't off myself today. I will just swallow the fear again and move on. Thanks for listening.

"Adam's Song"

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd have known?
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone

[Chorus:]
I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never step foot in my room again
You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault

[Chorus:]
I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I've survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone