Fearless?

I just watched the movie He's Just Not That Into You, and I've realized something about myself; I am committment-phobic.

Let me just explain a bit. I am a romantic. I torture myself with Nicholas Sparks and other sappy movies/books. I love the idea of love, of surrendering your entire self to another person. When I'm watching that happen on the big screen, it doesn't seem so scary. It seems exhilerating and wonderful. Even in my daydreams, that kind of love is what I desire. Yet, in real life, I don't know if I can do it.

Over the past year or so, I have actually gotten male attention. I don't know what suddenly woke up the mysterious other sex, but something did. Now, this is not to say that I've been asked out. I haven't. I've just been noticed more, which is always ego-boosting. In the past, I haven't exactly been ignored, but the treatment I've received from men has been less than romantic. In fact, it bordered on ridicule. I'm just not the fish that men want to catch. I'm that funny-looking fish that they happen to see in the water and decide to mess with. Certainly not what they intend to hook. But now? I'm somehow less revolting.

Don't get me wrong. It's really nice to be noticed, but when I find that happening, something inside of me cries out, "Be careful!" Or at least that's what I've always thought it was saying. Now, I'm not so sure. If I were simply trying to be careful, I don't think I'd feel how I do right now. You see, there may or may not be a potential guy on the homefront. I don't really know if anything would ever happen or if he'd ever ask me out. All I know is that if he did, I'd be terrified.

I don't quite understand this fear. I am generally pretty fearless. I mean, I've been through so many terrifying things in my life, things that actually threatened my life, yet the idea of a guy liking me is what scares me. What is that? So, I've been trying to figure out why I'm so afraid--not just of this guy, of any guy in general.

Fear #1: Rejection

I think part of the problem is that I won't ever 100% believe that any guy likes me. I don't say any of this to put myself down. I'm just being honest. I have been rejected by guys my entire life. I was ridiculed in middle school and high school for my appearance, particularly my weight, and I don't think that I ever really got over that. No, I don't sit around and wallow about it. That would be stupid. I did, however, lose a lot of faith in men. Really, I lost a lot of faith in people.

Rejection is cyclic. Others reject you->You reject you->You isolate yourself from others, because you feel rejected and even like you deserve to be rejected->Others feel rejected and, in turn, reject you. It's a never ending circle. A circle in which I live my life. This is why I'm so high-maintenance. People try so hard to show that they care for me and want me around, but I just can't believe them. It seems so farfetched to me. I can't ever commit to relationships, because I'm too afraid to trust. Too afraid that they're lying. Too afraid that they'll suddenly see what they missed at first and then, hightail it out of there. I don't want to be rejected, so I become the rejecter.

Fear #2: Intimacy

I hate other people knowing how I feel. It's too much vulnerability. Why is that bad? Because I'm afraid that they won't understand me or that they'll use it against me. That's part of it, but mostly, I'm just afraid to get in too deep. Once you open yourself up like that, you can really set yourself up for heartache. I, like most people, want to avoid pain at all costs. What if they change their mind about me? There I go, back to the fear of rejection.

I don't want to be intimate, because that means that I'm people know things about me. They know that hidden part of me that used to be mine. They have the control now. I hate not knowing what others think. When I control what they know about me, I can also control, to an extent, the array of things they can think about me. If they never see an emotion, would it make sense for them to call me emotional? No. You come to conclusions about others based on observations, so I am very calculating in what I let others see. I need that control over their perception, and intimacy steals it from me.

Fear #3: Skeletons

I have a past. I know, everyone has one, and every one is different. But I wonder if mine is too dark, if there is just too much baggage. The things I've done and experienced? There is no way anyone could accept me. And that's the thing, you have to be entirely honest in a relationship. That's the intimacy I was talking about. So, you can't avoid revealing those skeletons, because eventually, that guy is going to open the closet himself and find them. Might as well tell him beforehand.

But I'm afraid that my past will be too much for a guy and for anyone for that matter. And my past has greatly affected who I am today, so if my past is too much for him to handle then so am I. In fact, my past leaks into my present sometimes. It doesn't always remain where it belongs. It's always there overshadowing me. Secrets are called skeletons for a reason. They're well hidden, but they're always there. They shape your body. Our pasts do the same thing. What if my skeletons scare him off?

Fear #4: Settling

I am insecure. If you didn't notice it before, I have confidence and self-esteem issues. The things that contribute to those issues also make me feel like I have to be with the first guy who actually likes me and treats me well. This is a problem. Like I said, I'm that hopeless romantic. I want that breathtaking romance from the movies. Or at least, I want some passion. But what if I never feel that for someone, because I settle too early? I'm so afraid that I'll jump at the first offer and be making a huge mistake.

I'm the type of person that wants to be with one person her entire life. I don't want to try things out with a bunch of guys. I just want one relationship. I know that's unlikely, but I also think it'll save me a lot of trouble in the long run. The problem is...how do I know who is right? How do I know I'm not just settling, because I'm insecure or impatient?

Fear #5: Committment

This one encapsulates them all. I'm afraid to be rejected, to be intimate, to reveal my skeletons, and to settle for the wrong person. All of these fears lead to my committment-phobia. How can I commit to someone with all these fears? So, I don't. When someone likes me, it's nice at first, but then, I run. I don't explain. I just run. Or I get mean. I guess that's immature, but I don't know what else to do. Fear is an extremely strong emotion. How do you control it? Or overcome it? I don't know if I'll ever be with anyone, because I'm so skiddish and fearful. And really, it's sad that fear would hinder the most life-altering, wonderful experience I might ever have the opportunity to have.

But what can I do?