Don't Choke

I am a horrible communicator. I really am. Yes, on paper or online, I can write, but when it comes to face to face interaction or even to being totally honest about my own feelings in any communicative form, I just can't seem to do it. I've been struggling a lot this past week for various reasons, and it's really hard for me to be open with others about it. I absolutely love listening to people and giving advice, but when it comes to talking about myself or even following the advice that I give them, again, I lack...something. I have no idea what it is that stops me.

I am the type of person that thinks all the time, about everything. So, I have plenty of time to think about how I'm feeling. Most of the time, I know exactly how I feel about things, simply because I analyze everything constantly. Theoretically, I could, at any given moment, tell you exactly what I'm feeling, but then I open my mouth and.....nothing. It's like the words get stuck somewhere or my voicebox gets disconnected from my brain temporarily. I choke. It gets really frustrating.

I wouldn't mind this so much if it weren't for the fact that communication is so key to relationships. It's one thing to be able to listen, but it's also necessary to be able to talk. It's a dialogue, a give and take. This summer, I parted ways rather viciously with a group of friends that I loved dearly. One of the problems was that they felt no intimacy with me. I was so closed off to them that they felt no connection emotionally. I could listen to them or give advice or even talk shallowly all that I wanted, but even after years of friendship with the majority of them, they still felt that they didn't know me. This, at first, made me so angry. How could they say that? Did I mean nothing to them? But then it hit me. I really was in the wrong.

My tendency is to think that by not communicating about my feelings I am being strong or less burdensome or even superior. I think, "Well, I am so strong that I don't need to talk about anything. In fact, I must be stronger than my friends, because they do talk about things. Plus, I don't want to burden anyone. My problems really aren't so big."

One, I am weaker. Strength is not in doing the safe thing. Being closed off is easy and has no risk. Strength comes through being open, being vulnerable, taking risks. So I am not strong through silence. I am weak. Two, I am not superior. This is ridiculous. Communicating has nothing to do with superiority or inferiority. Yes, it's a skill, but if I judged superiority based on ability to communicate, I would come up inferior. I really need to keep my pride in check with this. Three, without realizing it, I became even more of a burden because I withheld information. They had to work so hard to reach me, and it exhausted them, so much so that they couldn't take it anymore. If it's a true friendship, it isn't burdensome to be intimate. It's what creates the bond and keeps it strong.

Why do I say all this? Because I'm at another point where I have to make choice: be closed off as always or open myself up. I am making such good friends here at college, and I don't want to ruin more relationships by being emotionally unreachable. The problem is that, even with this strong desire to change, I don't know how to make the words come out. How do you force them out?

I guess, right now, my best and only idea about that is practice. I can't talk, because I refuse to try. I make excuses and justify my lack of communication to myself, but have I honestly tried so hard? No. Honestly, I haven't. It will just take getting over that very first face to face talk. I think in time I can develop the skill. I just don't know where to begin.